Daily Diary – October 5 2010

Nathaniel woke up at 4am this morning and even after I changed his wet pajamas, he wasn’t able to go back to sleep so I got up with him. And thus my day started on a rough note. I was so tired and it took forever to wake up and get started on my day. But I did do a bunch of work, finish my art journal page, and I even got a bunch of important todos done so the whole day wasn’t a loss.

I snapped this photo of Nathaniel in the morning. He is getting new signs now. Last night he learned to sign flower. But his favorite is food.

For the rest of the day, I got no photos. So when I came back from the doctor’s I snapped this one of David.

And Nathaniel had grabbed some plastic cups from the pantry and was playing with them. He’s so good at focusing on things. He loves playing and I love watching him play.

And I love how he knows I’m trying to snap photos and I call his name and he smiles. He doesn’t look up or stop what he’s doing. But he does smile. I love him so deeply.

That’s all the photos I snapped before it was time to go to sleep.

I had a doctor’s appointment for TMJ today. TMJ is the joint between your jaw and skull. Mine is swollen and causes noises in my ear and a lot of pain in my jaw and headaches. It’s gotten considerably worse since Nathaniel was born. To the point where I am consistently in pain. I’ve had this problem for eleven years and I tried to get it fixed in the beginning but it only got worse so I gave up. Today was the first time I even let anyone talk about treating it. And if I do what the doctor suggests, it means mouth guards night and day and therapy and more. And it might get better. Which is of course worth it but just the thought of all that work and all that effort is making me sad. It’s not something I want to take on. And yet I know I should. Just sucks. And I know many people have it much worse but I am just feeling a bit low so I will let it get to me tonight and then I promise not to whine about it starting tomorrow.

I’ve mentioned it a few times and I plan to write about it in a lot more detail but one of the things I decided to tackle for October (and onward) is my health. More specifically, I’ve been walking 30 minutes a day since Saturday. Today I only did 15 minutes but considering how I felt, that’s a miracle. I have a lot to say about this. I have had issues with the way I look ever since I can remember and while I’d like other areas of my life to improve, I know that at this point in my life, this is the single biggest issue for me. And if I were to actually face it head on and do something about it, it would change my life forever. So instead of putting it off (which is what I’ve been doing for 6 years now.) I am choosing to take it on. For now and November and December and all of 2011. This is going to be focus number one. I will drop other commitments or activities if necessary but not this. More on this later but I wanted to make sure to put it out there.

Today was a long day as is but then I received an email and reacted badly to it. Then I got full of regret and it pretty much killed the rest of my day. I rarely ever regret anything in my life. I tend to think a lot before I commit to things or take a step. I am a firm believer in integrity so I think before I commit to ensure I can deliver and then i just work without thinking of regret. But on the rare occasions where I do regret, especially hurting or disappointing someone, I handle it very badly. I get really really wound up and I want the issue to resolve immediately and wish that I should show the person how very sorry I am. On and on. This sense of urgency to resolve overwhelms me and takes over just about anything else in my life. When it happened today, I got very sad. And I realized that I need to work on this. I need to realize that these things happen sometimes and that I have to learn to be patient. I have to learn to let go and have faith that people know me and will not assume the worst of me. But it’s hard. Really hard. I don’t like disappointing people. So I am going to lay low tonight. Let myself wallow a bit and try hard to be patient. And hope that I didn’t damage anything permanently.

Today, I bought tickets to go to NYC in November. I will be gone for about 40 hours. 10 of which will be on the plane. It will be the first time I am leaving both kids behind. First time I am away from Nathaniel overnight. But I am going to see my sister whom I haven’t seen in a year and a half and her kids and husband whom I haven’t seen in almost 4 years. I miss them. I cannot wait to see them. Even if it means I have to be away from my boys for a little bit. Though that will be hard for me, too. I am glad I am doing it. It’s a step for me. I am not good at leaving my family. And I haven’t been to New York since 2006. It’s my favorite city in the world so it will be nice to walk its streets again, too.

Oh and I meant to say, today’s photo was not a cover. Just another page in my art journal that I was using earlier this year. And thank you for your kind words on it. I am telling myself that it’s not about how it looks. just about the process of doing it.

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful for glee and some snuggly time coming up tonight.
2. I am grateful the i walked despite the fact that I was feeling overwhelmingly tired today.
3. I am grateful that I bought my tickets to NYC. It had been on my list for two weeks now.

Three Things David’s Grateful For:
1. the little book my classmates made me (david told them what he likes – rainbows, trucks, jedis, school – and they each made drawings for him
2. getting my new legos
3. making my rabbit puppet
4. helping avi color today at school