| Dura è la stella mia, maggior durezza è quella del mio conte: egli mi fugge, i’ seguo lui; altri per me si strugge, i’ non posso mirar altra bellezza. Odio chi m’ama, ed amo chi mi sprezza; Egli ognor dà cagione a novo sdegno, Così ne la tua scola, Amor, si face |
Harsh is my fortune, but harsher still is the fate dealt me by my count: he flees from me, I follow him; others long for me, I cannot look at another man’s face. I hate him who loves me,love him who scorns me; He constantly gives me cause for anger, Thus in your school, Love, we receive |
The above sonnet is Sonnet 43 by Gaspara Stampa. She was influenced by the well known poet Petrarch.
Reading this poem reminded me of a pattern I frequently observed in my female friends since high school. For some reason most of my female friends were attracted to typical “bad boys” and quickly got bored with the nice, caring men who liked them. I never fully understood the fascination of the ‘bad’ but I noticed it with enough consistency that I can be sure Gaspara wasn’t the only one who suffered from this phenomenon.
It seems the nice men have a low dangerousness quotient and are therefore less interesting to be around. They often make great friends but are rarely ever picked as a potential boyfriend. Of course, choosing the guy who makes your life more challenging becomes a major hazard in the long term. Invariably the guy cheats on you, abuses you verbally or, worse, physically or just ups and leaves. If he didn’t do any of the above, he wouldn’t qualify as the dangerous and exciting partner to have.
Almost all of my friends were acutely aware of the stupidity of their decisions, but yet they kept making the same choice over and over again, falling to pieces at the end of each one.
I remember a friend who kept turning down really wonderful guys who were interested in her. Guys who cared about who she was and what her thoughts and feelings might be. Instead she’d go for the good-looking guy who chose her for her looks and never really cared about her words. For some inexplicable reason being with this guy would make her feel good about herself. Even if the guy drank too much and trashed her place, she was dating the cool guy and that’s all that mattered.
I’ve made a few misjudgments of character in my life, held on to people for a little too long but I can easily say I never went for the type who was obviously going to break my heart. I guess the biggest reason must be cause I was never really good looking enough to be chosen by such men and also cause I’m not really any fun: I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t smoke and I rarely dance. I’d much rather spend the night reading a book. So I guess in this case, it all worked out to my advantage as I ended up with the nice men and in durable relationships.
But I still don’t understand why a person would knowingly go for someone who is obviously going to be disappointing. Isn’t that sabotaging a relationship before it even begins?
Previously? Behind.
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