Home

This Friday at 5:30, I’ll be flying to Istanbul.

Each time I book a flight to go home, the same thing happens: suddenly I’m incredibly homesick and the date of my flight can’t arrive soon enough. I start calling all my childhood friends to make sure they put aside time to meet with me. I call my family even more often than we already talk and I think of nothing besides being there.

My family is one of the most precious things in my life. In fact them and Jake might be it for me. The rest doesn’t really matter. Of course I have close friends whom I cherish and people that have and still do significantly affect my life, but my family and Jake are the list of people for whom I’d die. (or at least alter my life significantly to fit with their needs)

So why do I live so far away from a family I adore, you may ask? And that’s a complicated question that would take so much more patience than a regular human’s limit. Let’s just say life here is more in line with the person I am and I realized long ago that without being happy yourself, you cannot spread happiness onto others. My family, although they miss me terribly, completely understands and is even happy for me as they can see the positive effects America has had on me.

Of course this doesn’t stop from making my choice to live an ocean away any easier. Each time I speak with my sister and she tells me of another change in my nephews something inside me starts telling me what a mistake I’ve made and how I’m missing some of the greatest moments of my family. Same feelings emerge on each birthday, New Years, mother’s day, father’s day, etc.

Don’t even get me started on my fears of not being there for the death of a family member should one occur. (Hopefully no time soon, or, even, ever.)

Yet I continue to live here. I continue to believe in my choice. I continue to travel back and forth every three months to show myself that I can still be an active part of my family and live miles and miles away.

In Japanese there are three common directional verbs: ikimasu (to go), kimasu (to come), and kaerimasu(to return). When you go to work and are coming back home, they use “kaerimasu” since you’re returning to your home. They also use kaerimasu if you’re returning home from a vacation. Last week in my class, I told my Japanese teacher that I was “ikimasu” home. And she said that I was supposed to use “kaerimasu” and I objected saying that then I couldn’t use “kaerimasu” for New York, which really is my home. She said I can use it in both cases, which would sound like “I am returning to Istanbul for ten days and then I shall return to New York.” Sounds funny in English but in Japanese it implies that both locations are my home. I love that the language will allow me to represent my true feelings about both locations.

Because as much as New York City is my home, Istanbul will never stop being my home.

Previously? RIP DNA.