Daily Diary – August 6 2010

Nathaniel is such a big fan of David. Yes, he loves playing with David’s toys but he also just likes being around David. This morning, David was watching some movies and Nathaniel took all of his toys and played at the table where David was sitting. David’s so kind and doesn’t get annoyed and it was so cute that I had to snap a photo.

And in case you think he just clasps his hands in the back, he claps them in the front, too.

And then David was playing with his Didj and Nathaniel sat next to him to watch. When he got up to walk away, David got sad and said he liked having Nathaniel sit with him.

I love capturing these ordinary moments of my boys. Our life. The faces. The looks.

Lost in playing games.

Smiling and laughing with mama.

More faces.

Cute ones.

And some cuddling with toys.

Might be boring to some but I love seeing the ordinariness of our lives. These are the details that change over time. You never ever forget your wedding day or your honeymoon, but you do forget that your son really liked this one toy and pressed its buttons over and over again just to squeal with delight. I like to remember these details because I know I will otherwise forget them and they will be such fond fond memories many years from now.

Note to Self:
This has been an interesting week. Some very big highs but also some lows. It has, yet again, showed me that art is subjective. One of the reasons I’ve always loved being a math-person is that it’s not a matter of opinion. 2+2 always equals 4. My teacher can’t have his own opinion, can’t tell me I did it wrong. I either get it or I don’t. I love that about math. Things that are subjective like art or English essays etc. also open the room for scars. Like if you’re young and some jerk of a teacher (or someone who has influence of you at that age, not always just a teacher) tells you you have no talent, you basically spend your whole life thinking you have no talent. This can be true in math, too, in that someone can make you feel you’re too stupid to get it but if you study enough and really do get it and can conclude that 2+2 is 4 and get the correct answer, no one can argue with you that it is not correct. So you can theoretically work your way into proving to yourself (and others) that you are indeed good at math. This is not true about art, writing, etc.

The way people get “validation” in these fields is by someone “authoritative” or “well regarded” showing interest in them. Someone willing to publish your book. A gallery displaying your art, etc. But even then, it’s not as simple as 2+2=4. Other people still might think your art sucks or your book is terrible. So if you’re harboring doubts about yourself, you can always hang on to the naysayers and feed the doubt regularly. Again, not true for math. No one can say “well actually even though Joe says 2+2=4 and this big mathematician agrees with him, I disagree.” I am oversimplifying of course but I hope you get the core of my point.

I do not have an abundance of self-confidence (this is an understatement) so I’ve always favored the fact-oriented fields. I’ve always loved art and loved writing and have, at different times in my life, wished I could be successful at either. But, math was always my savior. Something that came relatively easily to me and something that was provable beyond a shadow of a doubt. It left no room for interpretation, for judgement, or opinion. For someone who’s weak on confidence, this is a good ground to be on; it feels steady and safe.

When I first started scrapbooking, I had never heard of any of the manufacturers. I went to the store, bought a bunch of blue paper that I liked and thought matched and I made my first album. It wasn’t until I joined an online community that I even realized different manufacturers existed. However, because I really get into things, I quickly learned a lot more and wanted to be a bigger part of the community I was in and applied to be on their team, etc. etc. For a brief period, I submitted to magazines (maybe a total of 5-10 times) and applied to other design teams. I didn’t think too hard, I just wanted to belong. I got rejection after rejection. I quickly got depressed, felt bad about myself, and my scrapping. The days of “fun new hobby I discovered” were gone. Then I backed off completely. Didn’t apply for anything. Started my own thing. Tried to find what I liked and didn’t. But it wasn’t until this past May that I really found my groove. And coincidentally (or not, who knows) that’s when I got on my first manufacturing team. And I was incredibly shocked and honored (and still am.) but since I luckily had just found my groove, I just tried hard to continue to do my thing and hope that it was what got me there in the first place. I am incredibly lucky that Margie is unbelievably kind and so incredibly supportive.

I am perfectly happy working for The Girls’ Paperie and could easily just do that for a long time (on top of A Million Memories and Creative Therapy, of course.) But last month, on a whim, I applied to American Crafts. I own very little of their paper and refused to go buy more just to apply. So I did the best I could with what I had. I made a project, I had just made layouts for a kit, and I made a card with the papers I had at hand. I didn’t think too hard. With encouragement from a good friend, I sent it in. When this week first started, I was hoping to hear from them. But instead I got the email from Tim Holtz. I can tell you that I own considerably more products by Tim. (Yes, I have a zillion Thickers but that’s about it.) and not that I don’t love American Crafts and their products, cause I do, but this is just to say I am a huge fan of Tim. And then I got some more good news this week and some more not so great news, too. All within this scrapping world. This showed me that I was lucky enough to be around when Tim was looking for people. I am not one of those people whose work is everywhere. I am not a known name. I am pretty much a nobody in the scrapbooking industry. But I was lucky. Tim happened to see my layouts. He somehow liked something about them and made me an even luckier girl. And I am utterly thankful for that. But I do not, for a moment, miss the substantial role of luck and “being in the right place at the right time.”

And while on the outside it might seem like I’m winning constantly lately. I just wanted you to know that I got rejected this week, too. From an opportunity I wanted. From something I did hope and wish for. And this happens all the time. Wins come with losses. Just like losses come with wins. And while it’s obvious that taste plays a big role in this whole process, what might be less obvious is that so does luck. So does coincidence. And, as it seems, this was a good week for my luck. And I am so thankful for it. And I will not take it for granted for a minute. And I will also not forget the role it played.

I guess I wanted to write all this down for a few reasons. One is because I am one of those people who sometimes thinks “wow all the good things are happening to so and so” but the fact is bad things might be happening too and the person just doesn’t talk about them. Nor should she have to. Back when I applied to teams, I never talked about it. I never said I applied and never said I didn’t get it. I figured it was painful enough, I didn’t need to share it. And I wouldn’t have shared American Crafts either. But it happened this week. At the same time as Tim Holtz. And it taught me a lesson. So there we go. And in case any of you out there are thinking only good stuff happens to me, now you know it’s not true. And don’t get me wrong, I am not whining. I am THRILLED beyond belief about my opportunities. I am thankful more than you can imagine. I still wake up thinking maybe it’s a joke someone’s playing on me. Or maybe Tim made a mistake and meant to email someone else (I often still think that about Margie, too.) so I am grateful. Very much. But I just wanted you to know the truth. All of it, not just the good bits. So you can’t play the game I play about how only good things happen to some of the people around me.

Also, this is a reminder that it’s all so subjective. This is like getting rejected from Harvard to get into Princeton. And it happens. It happened to people I know. I’ve been on the other side of hiring for several prestigious firms and I know it’s so much less scientific than it would seem. At the end of the day, people making the decisions are human. They have moody days, they have personal preferences. Maybe this person secretly hates purple. And without even realizing it, they wrote off your layout cause it had so much purple. We are more instinctive than we’d be willing to admit. So much is luck and coincidence. This is always on top of hard work, of course. You don’t get into either Harvard or Princeton without perfect grades. But if you did the best you can and worked hard, at some point you’re just playing the luck game, I think. Which is a good lesson for me to keep in mind. Because being a math person I so wish there were a formula. Then I could study really hard and just master it. And be done.

Wow lots of blathering, eh?

I also wanted to say thank you again, for your kindness and support. I really doubt myself way too many times a day and hearing every little word boosts me and my heart so much. It makes me feel stronger and more hopeful. And so so so very grateful.

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am grateful for my husband. Who loves and supports me and makes me feel like one-and-only. My husband with whom I can talk for hours even after sixteen years together.
2. I am so grateful for all the amazing things that happened this week. The doors that opened other ones. The unexpected surprises. I am feeling like I won some lottery I wasn’t playing but really really wanted to win.
3. I am grateful that David loved the new books we’re using to learn how to read. He just wants to keep doing more and more exercises and he is loving it. He literally begged me to do more tonight. How could I not be thankful for that?

Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1. having lunch with ece (and her mommy and brother) at a retaurant
2. our new reading book!
3. daddy.