I’m still in my funk and whenever I get in these funks I seem to think a lot about the same issues that come back over and over to haunt me so I decided writing is a good way to get them out of my system.
Here are some things that are on my mind. They are not in order. They may or may not be connected. I am not going to worry about creating a connecting thread. What connects them is that they are all on my mind and in my life right now:
– There are several emails I’m waiting for. I sit here and hit refresh on my mail reader a hundred times a minute. I hate to be in this waiting stage. The idea of semi-stopping my life for someone who isn’t even bothering to take the time to respond to a two minute email drives me insane. But then I think about it from the other perspective. Likely, I am not the only one who sent email to this person. I get too many emails to respond to, and likely so do these people. Not to mention, sometimes I like to do things as opposed to respond to email. Or I might have something going on that’s urgent or time-sensitive. Or I could even be procrastinating. I know I don’t always respond timely and, intellectually, I know this person’s lack of response to me is not personal. It’s not about me. But it still drives me insane.
– Which also makes me think about how I must be doing that to some other people. Sometimes I save an email and don’t respond for weeks. If I stop to imagine that this person might be feeling exactly how I am feeling now, I shudder. (This is for anyone who might have sent me an email that I didn’t respond to, please email me again. Tell me that you’re waiting. I won’t be angry, I won’t think badly of you, I won’t be annoyed. Please email me and I will respond. Immediately.) I hate that I might be making someone feel the way I am feeling right now.
– I was listening to a podcast the other day where the author (orator?) was saying that when she’s writing messages on email or FB or Twitter, she writes and erases and worries about what others might think or say. I have to admit while I generally worry tremendously about what others think of me, I rarely ever edit my words. My blog posts (such as this) are written all in one sitting, one flow, without editing, and often without re-reading (I sometimes check for spelling errors cause my husband makes fun of me.) I just write. For me, this place is generally either to get my thoughts down or to work something out. It’s for me. I appreciate and love the people who come to visit but over the ten years my traffic has changed a lot. If I wrote for the visitors, I would never be able to stay authentic to me and never be able to change, grow, evolve. Not to mention it wouldn’t be nearly as interesting to me to go back and read my posts. Anyhow, all this made me think a lot about Gretchen Rubin’s “Be Gretchen” commandment that I mentioned a while ago. I was reading the other day that if you want your art, your site etc to speak to others, you need to have a focus. Something you’re standing for. And I thought, “what would be mine? What matters to me? What do I want to say?” and the thing I kept coming back to over and over was “be authentic.” Be who you are. What makes this place so amazing is the way we are all different and unique. The way we each have our own perspective. I think the very best thing you can be is you. I truly believe that. Sure, go ahead and improve, and be the best version of you. But still, be you. This is something I work hard on. I try really hard to be authentic to who I am. When I want to do something, I often focus on whether I am doing that for me or for how I want others to think of me, treat me, etc. So if there’s one thing I’d like to stand for, it would be authenticity. (With integrity and genuineness a close second and third.)
– I have this cycle where I do something to seek acceptance. I apply for something or email someone or whatever. I don’t get it. I get really really sad. Then I get angry and resentful. I start disliking the person, taking it all personally. It is all about me after all isn’t it? Then I get really frustrated with myself for being so immature. For applying even though the chances of getting it were slim. For not being able to take rejection in stride. For not being more mature. More graceful. More better (as David would say.) I get mad at the person. I get mad at myself. I drive myself absolutely insane. I swear I will never do it again. Time passes. Then it goes away. Then another opportunity shows up and I do the whole thing all over again. An intellectually, I know that the rejection is just one person’s opinion. I know that most of the time it has no long term bearing on my life. It often doesn’t mean anything. I’ve been on the other side of these things and I know how very arbitrary the process is. And SO not personal. So very random. And yet to the person who got rejected, it’s so personal. There are so many stories as to why I wasn’t selected. So many reasons. So many ways to beat myself up. Such a strong need and desire to be accepted. To belong and to be recognized.
– The funny thing is, the other side of that coin is bad, too. The ones where I do get accepted. They lose significance pretty quickly. If they chose me, it must have been meaningless. If they like me, they must not know what they’re doing. I always assume the worst. Always worry that this is the moment I will be found out for who I really am. Not bright. Not talented. Not good at it. I vividly remember this one day when my manager’s secretary called me to tell me he wanted to see me. I walked down the steps to his office, the whole time thinking I was getting fired. This was it. I swear that’s all I thought. I walked in and he told me to close the door. My heart was beating loudly. And you know what? I got a bonus. That’s why he wanted to see me. To give me more money. Talk about a twisted, warped sense of self. That day was a big awakening for me. Something I remind myself of often. That people don’t think of you the way you think they do. The way you think of yourself. Fact is, people don’t spend that much time thinking of you at all. But if they do, it’s rarely as negative as your mind makes it to be. This makes me realize what a shame it is to always be thinking so little of myself. Making small of the accomplishments and big of the losses. Stupid. stupid.
– One more thing. Despite all this, I still don’t want to stop taking chances. Applying. Trying. Striving. I think that’s the purpose of life. Growth. At least for me. I like aiming for things. Trying out for things. I think it’s a good idea to think really hard about whether I really want that thing before I apply. But if I know I do, then I want to be able to go for it. Not to be afraid of failure or ridicule or whatever. Life’s too short not to take chances. I just want to learn to handle rejection better (and acceptance better too!)
There you go. A lot on my mind today. Hitting publish without re-reading this time. (especially since Nathaniel just woke up and is crying in his crib.)
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