Little Things

I used to think that the little things mattered most. A card during anniversaries, a phone call on my birthday, flowers on Valentine’s day, stuff like that. I figured that shows how strongly the person really feels about you. I mean if someone takes the time to remember special memories, that person must love you, right?

Well, my ex boyfriend was all that and more when it came to little gestures. On one of the Valentine’s Days during the time we dated in college, he got three of the kids on his dorm to wear suits and sing to me, on their knees, “You Lost That Loving Feeling.” He gave me roses on our anniversary each month, as many roses as the months we’d been dating. When he graduated and got accepted to a graduate school far away, he made a small audio chip in a heart-shaped candy box. Each time I pressed the button, I could hear his voice, telling me how much he loved me and how badly he missed me. It might be corny, but it was also sweet. He was romantic and he remembered every special date.

Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?

Until you look at the other side of the coin.

The same guy had an alcohol problem and used to abuse me verbally and physically when he drank. We went to a few Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, but it never worked. He had too much anger. He wasn’t willing to give up the drinking. It’s hard enough to give up when you feel ready. It’s impossible when you do it for someone else. For a long time, I made excuses and said that it was my fault for pushing him and making him mad. But we won’t talk about that. Not now.

Anyhow, my point is that since I had that experience, I’ve reconsidered my priorities. Sure it’s nice to get flowers on my birthday or for no reason at all, but it’s crucial to stay on top of the big things first. Now, when I hear my friends talking about how the guy might not open the door for her or how he didn’t get the most romantic present for their anniversary, I hope that they will never have to worry about having real problems.

I know that if you’re mostly a reasonable person, while reading this you’ll be telling yourself, “Dork, of course I know that it’s most important to be with a guy who doesn’t abuse you.” But how often do you keep that in perspective?

We only get picky when we have the luxury to do so.

Previously? Chicken.