This year’s One Little Word came to me in the most unexpected of ways. I think each year, I go through a period where I think I am going to pick the word “light.” It feels hopeful and magical to me. Letting go of things, looking to the light, carrying light. I can go on and on for why light really speaks to me.
But then the moment seems to pass and I just move on to other words. This year was no exception. I wanted to pick the word “release.” In fact, I was pretty sure it was going to be my word. They I thought of why I want to release (not just what but why) and I realized it was in service of “ease” so I thought maybe that should be my word. Not what to do but the end goal because maybe I’d get there a different way. So it was. Ease.
So it was until a few weeks ago, I was reading some words, I can’t even remember why now but the word “explore” jumped out at me and wouldn’t let go.
Explore.
In any other year, it would feel like this was an external word. Like 2020 when I picked “wild” and what a disaster that turned out to be since it was the year we wouldn’t be allowed to go anywhere.
But for 2024, explore means something completely different to me. I am turning fifty this year. I am not afraid of getting old. I am not sad that I am getting old. At best getting old is a privilege and at worst, it’s just a progression of life. It’s the order of things and I don’t mind when it’s my turn in the order of things. But, what I do mind is that there are many parts of me where I am not sure if it’s really me or my upbringing or my parent’s values or my society’s norms or random ideologies that someone put in my head at some moment when I didn’t think to process it.
I’ve been telling my therapist for a while now that one of my major goals for this year is to figure out who I am. What it means to be me. What are the things I believe in. And what are the things that I need to release because I no longer believe them or maybe I never did.
So when I saw the word EXPLORE I realized it’s my year to explore who i am. What do i like? What do i love? What do I feel indifferent to? I want to spend a whole year exploring my inner world. My own taste. My own preferences. My own choices. I want to walk into my 50th year knowing and connecting with who I am deeply.
Now that I write it down, it feels scary and like a tall order. And I try to never pick words that are striving words. I want words that hold me and excite me. So I expect to hold this one lightly. I will enjoy it and not hold myself to a standard I can’t meet. I am not going to undo 50 years of work in one year. I will not have all the answers. I don’t expect to.
I will just start the journey.
What better way to step into my 50s than being an explorer of who i am.
Here’s to a year of exploration.
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