Daily Diary – April 10 2010

Isn’t it? You just have to learn to look.

Today, a friend of Jake’s from work came to visit us with his wife and son. It was such a treat to have someone for the kids to play with. I have so many photos of Nathaniel’s face but not so many of the life we live. Just random shots with a lot in them so I decided I wanted more of those. However imperfect.

And the closeup of course. He just learned how to drink from this cup and enjoys doing it several times a day.

Great day. I finished my book last night. Magnificent one. I read 6 pages of another one before I went to bed. I woke up this morning, finished my kit layouts (more tomorrow) while Nathaniel and David ate breakfast and sat to read my book while Nathaniel napped. He decided to take a super-long nap which meant I could peacefully fall into my book (it was David’s wii day so he was playing.). I read nonstop for 3 hours. (bliss!) and then Jake’s friends came and we played and talked and had a lovely time. After they left, kids ate, showered and then went to bed. I made some coffee and dug back into my book. Finished it in one swoop. Karen Maezen Miller‘s new book Hand Wash Cold is absolutely and truly magnificent. Orders of magnitude better than the previous one which was truly amazing in its own right. More on this in a few weeks. I need to digest. Sit and write. But what an incredible way to spend my day. I was so moved by the end that I had to send her an email to thank her. Go find it and read it. I promise you will be grateful.

And now I am doing some photo processing, cleaning up, etc. Getting ready to start another book in bed. Feeling content in every single sense of the word. (That word seems to imply “blah” in our everyday use. Gives a feeling of settling. Nothing extraordinary. But if you look it up, it means: in a state of peaceful happiness. What more can one ask for?)

Note to Self:
One of the things I’ve been doing during this year of mindfulness and contemplation is working hard to separate my feelings/thoughts from the society’s. So I often ask myself “Does this really bother me or do I think it should?” This is my way of checking in with my own feelings. We are told so many things implicitly and explicitly by the people around us. By the media. By the movies. Books. Whatever. Everything and anything we consume has opinions. They often tell me how I should feel. While sometimes I really agree with them, other times I don’t. But it takes a lot of mindfulness for me to step back and separate my feelings from that of what’s around me.

For example, if I think about it deep down, it doesn’t really bother me that I don’t cook. Sure I want my kids to eat well and healthy. But they are both in excellent health. They are slim and active. They eat tons of fruits and as many vegetables as I can convince them to. They don’t eat any junk food or drink juice. So are they losing out because I don’t make intricate meals? Maybe but if I dig down deep, this is not something that really bothers me as much as I think it should. It only bothers me because I feel an invisible pressure to be a better mom which it (amongst other things) defined by cooking for my kids. And sometimes I do cook. And maybe I will do so more. But because I like to not because I feel pressure to.

I also often chat with my husband over IM. Sometimes we spend the whole night apart. He sits in his office in the garage and I sit in the living room working, doing art, reading. We might send some messages over Instant Messenger. We sometimes even use this medium to talk about concerns we have. We’ve found over the years that it adds a boundary that allows us to better manage our emotions and talk things out more clearly and listen to each other better. Some people might find these things crazy. People laugh at me a lot. But in the end, when I think deeply about it, it doesn’t bother me. These are the ways in which we’ve found to live our lives happily. It works for us. We’ve had a long and lasting relationshop for sixteen years. We love each other deeply and truly enjoy each other’s company. I know how much he loves me. He’s there for me every single time I need him and every single time I want him. So does it really bother me that we don’t always sit next to each other? No. It only does when someone tells me how they always sit with their husband every night, in a way that implies that this is a must-have for a sound marriage.

I have come to believe that there is no such thing a fast-and-hard rule about things like marriage, motherhood, or even life. There are families where the kids and parents eat dinner at a table every single night and yet the conversation is fake, the connection is nonexistent and there are families who eat in front of the TV but yet they are truly immersed in each other’s lives and are there for each other. Life, connections, and people are not simple enough to be reduced into one-liners. There are no rules that work across the board. It’s important to note what works for you and then do it without shame or worry. I feel like I am blessed to have found a way to make things work and make our life joyful for all of us. I will not let my worry of what others think ruin that for me. So, each time I find myself annoyed about something, I will work on remembering to ask: “Does this really bother me?”

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am yet again grateful for my kids, but especially David today. Jake’s friends’ little boy Nico was 20 months old and David was so incredibly gentle with him. There were times he boy tested his patience. Once he almost bit David. He yelled at him several times but David was regularly kind even though you could tell he was close to losing it a little. They ran around the house giggling, shrieking, and had a great time. I am so thankful for his patience, gentleness, and generosity of spirit.
2. Grateful for another incredible book. One that moved me deeply. One that I will definitely read all over again. And for writers like Karen.
3. Grateful for my kit today. I love scrapbooking. I love getting to tell my stories. I love looking over them. Feeling grateful for years of storytelling. And for Nathaniel’s baby book which is so close to being done. Can’t believe he’s almost one.

Two Things David’s Grateful For:
1. The Wii of course.
2. Playing with Nico