2023 – The Year of Staying Open

It’s interesting that both last year’s word and this year’s word started with a feeling.

2022 was a really tough year for me. Both personally and professionally, I had some of the most challenging times of my life. I finally had to say uncle and take a leave of absence from work during the summer so I could reset and take some time to go within an see if I could feel better.

I resisted taking the time and made up all the reasons why it was a bad idea when my coach recommended that I consider it seriously. I resisted it when my doctor told me I needed to start taking care of myself. I had a long list of reasons why it was all a bad idea and I couldn’t take what I needed.

And then I realized that I had no other choice. I had gotten to a place where I felt like my cup was full before I even got out of bed. My anxiety was overflowing and I could no longer contain it. The smallest things caused me to break down in the most unpredictable times and in the most unpredictable ways.

What finally helped me pull the trigger, unexpectedly, was a meeting with my old manager. I was talking to him and realized suddenly that he didn’t see me at all. It became so shockingly clear in that instant that every story I had been telling myself about everything instantly crumbled. Within hours, I had reached out to people looking for another job and decided I was going on a leave after all.

It was the best decision I’ve made in a long, long time.

I quit the job I was doing, moved under my new manager and took 2 months off starting right away. I was off from May to July.

For the first few weeks, things were hectic and i was traveling, and then I was home and I was reading and painting and doing nothing most of the days, which felt just right but I was still counting the days until it was time to go back to work. During my check-in appointment, my doctor decided I needed 3 more weeks off to really heal. When she said that, I felt instant relief.

And those three weeks made all the difference. For reasons I can’t explain, I finally was able to finally and completely release everything. I had this moment where I realized that I had already done everything I had hoped to do with my life. I had managed to move to America, study what I had really hoped to, make a life for myself, get citizenship, get married to the love of my life, have incredible children who are kind and smart and loving. I have a job I like surrounded by smart people. I have a home in a state and neighborhood I love and I have friends who see me and love me for who i am and enrich my life. I honestly feel like I am all set. I have books, paint and music and people I love. This is all I’ve ever wanted. I am done.

Everything from here onward is icing on the cake.

I also realized that in the grand scheme of my whole life, I didn’t care about any more “outside in” things. I didn’t care about things that look good but aren’t meaningful on their own. All I care about is my people and making sure they know how much I love them. Nothing else is really important.

As soon as I realized all that, I felt a huge shift.

I went from being scared, anxious and waking up with a feeling of scarcity to feeling spacious, expansive and as if I had all the time I needed. Because really I didn’t need any more time. I didn’t need to read one more book or do one more thing. I was done. It was all bonus from here. Which meant I could wake up and just do whatever my people wanted to do. This didn’t mean I couldn’t wake up and do what I wanted to do, too but I just didn’t feel that closing in anymore. I used to wake up on the weekend already worried about running out of time. But I don’t anymore. I have nothing I have to do. It’s all choice now.

This feeling of spaciousness and abundance has been the greatest gift. For the first time in 40 years, I feel a sense of deep, quiet and resounding peace.

I’d been chasing peace my whole life, thinking it was one of the few things that might never be possible for me. But here it was, when I least expected it and it came in the quietest way.

I thought of choosing bonus or icing for my word this year to help remember that it’s all bonus but those don’t feel right. I also thought of picking abundance, spacious or light because those are how i feel. But then I realized what I really want to remember is to stay open. Being open is what welcomes all those feelings. It creates space and it encourages abundance and keeps me light and generous. From a place of being open, everything feels possible. I am my most peaceful, kind and generous self.

So what I want to work on the most in 2023 is holding on to this choice to stay open. To remember that I already have all I’ve ever wanted. I don’t have to do or be anything. I am good.

I’ve spent the last few years picking words that can be active and passive and in some ways “open” is that way, too. I can open the door and step through the threshold. But for the most part, open is a word that’s about receiving. Being open to the universe, the people and circumstances around me. It’s about paying attention and keeping myself open to receive. And this year, it feels just right to me.

Here are some things I hope to focus on:

• Open Eyes and Open Ears: Pay attention. Look at the people I love, listen to them. Listen more than you speak. Let people tell their stories. Create space for people. The most loving thing I can do is pay attention.
• Open Heart: Choose to be all in for the people you love. Don’t hold back. Be vulnerable. Share your feelings. Give them chances. Give it all. Be generous with your time and love.
• Open Mind: Let yourself grow intellectually. Be curious. Challenge your assumptions about yourself. Take a class. What do you think you can’t do, are you sure? What do you think you don’t like to do, are you sure?
• Open Door: Walk through what has felt closed, what has felt hard. Try new adventures and things to do. Do something you haven’t done before. Welcome the new. Choose to wander. Choose wonder.
• Open House: Take responsibility for friendship. reach out. show up. connect. Host people. Make new friends. Reconnect with old ones. Make time to talk to friends.
• Open Air: Go have new experiences outside. Feel Alive. Watch the sunset and sunrise. Climb. Hike. Feel the water, sand and earth.
• Open Sesame: Make magic happen. You’re the magician.
• and most importantly:
• Wide Open: How far can you go? Are you feeling the spaciousness? Are you living the full depth and breadth of your life? Open to the goodness of your life. Remember it’s all icing. Hold on to the abundance and peace. They are yours to keep.

Here are some mantras I intend to keep for this coming year as they have served me well so far:

1. I already have all I need: I am done. I did all I needed to do. All I wanted to do. I am good. It’s all bonus from here onward. I can rest now. I can give now.
2. Is this mine to carry? Ask yourself this each time before you pick something up. Don’t get on the rollercoaster. If it’s not mine, I will not pick it up. I can love my people and I can offer to help, but I will not pickup what’s not mine to carry.
3. Surrender and Release: Let things go. Now you know you can. Visualize the balloons. Let them all go. They are not serving you.
4. Can I hold this lightly? Just like remembering what not to carry, I am trying to get clear what I can hold lightly. Does this really, deeply matter to me? Does it need to be held so tightly?
5. I have my own back. I have what I need. I am grateful to the people who love me and share my life and I am grateful for all I have and at the same time, when I remember that I have my own back, I feel stronger and more solid in the world.
6. Reset your expectations: Try to set expectations as low as possible. People don’t owe you anything. It’s wonderful when it happens but it’s not expected. Life is not transactional. Give people an opportunity to delight and not disappoint you.
7. The ground beneath me is not going anywhere: Things are solid. The ground is not moving. Especially when I choose not to get on the roller coaster.
8. Be Generous: Make room for others. Expand. Tell them why they are amazing. Praise. Donate. Be generous. Nothing is ever too much trouble and there’s always time.
9. Stronger: You have what it takes. You are getting stronger every single day and I am so proud of you. Just keep at it. Give yourself grace and keep going. Try a tiny bit harder. You can keep doing this.
10. Yes You Can: You are amazing. You have proven again and again that you can do anything you set your mind to. So have faith in yourself. Work hard. Work smart. Do it for you. Do what you decide you want to. Keep at it. You can do it. Yes you can.

So there we go. Here’s to staying wide OPEN in 2023.