Good Intentions

I’ve always thought of myself as a pretty decent person. I try to be nice to people and I make an extra effort not to harm anyone.

What differs between levels of kindness is a combination of expectations and intentions.

When my boss asks me for a favor and I do it, I can be classified as a good employee (or a kiss-up depending on the favor). But I think it’s fair to say that I have reasons to want to keep my boss happy.

Similarly, I am kind to my family and friends. I care about them and I want to make them happy. I don’t want my friends to be sad, hurt or in difficulty. Therefore, I take the time and effort required to help them out, to work with them and to do their favors.

So it’s fair to say that, in measuring whether you’re nice or not, we can exclude those people. How nice are you to strangers? Do you hold the door to someone whom you know is walking into the room after you? Do you help someone if they drop their stuff in the middle of the street? If someone asks a question about something you know, do you take the time to help him out?

I used to have two teammates. When stuck in the middle of a piece of code, one would give me an idea to try while the other actually sat with me and we worked through different alternatives until we came up with the best solution. In my book, they would both be considered nice since neither of them ignored me, but the second guy went above and beyond the call of duty. In the process, he gained a loyal teammate. I knew that I would always take the time to help him no matter what the circumstances.

So part of being nice is doing more than expected. Giving when it’s not required. Going out of your way when you don’t need to. Having pure intentions.

The other part is tied to what you hope to receive as a result. I often hear people complain about how so and so wasn’t thankful enough. If you spend all night helping someone out and then he blows you off when you ask him a question, don’t you have the right to get mad?

Probably. But I think you should never help someone with the intention of getting something as a result. If I help a person because I know they have the connections to get me a job, am I really being nice? What if initially I didn’t know that he could get me the job? My intentions were nice but then my expectations took over.

That’s where I need improvement. Just because you’re nice doesn’t mean the other person has to be nice to you in return. Being a good person isn’t about that. It’s about having the right intentions with no expectations. That’s when you know you did something good. That’s when it’s rewarding.

I need to work on that.

Previously? Genius.