I walked over to the coffeeshop today just to encourage myself to do a long walk. When I got there I decided to get a coffee and a baked good.
The two options were either a brownie or a lemon cookie. I asked the barista which one she would recommend and she said she’s not a big chocolate person. I told her I was and she said well then she would definitely recommend the brownie.
As she handed it to me she said something along the lines of it being a treat that I deserved or maybe she said indulgence I can’t remember. But I do remember that I thought words matter and how we use our words also matter.
Calling the brownie an indulgence immediately made me think “do I deserve it?” I could tell there was a tape in my head that said well you ate all those vegetables earlier today so it must be okay. And then another voice saying you’re never going to be thin if you keep eating brownies. And yet another one saying you’re already almost 50 when do you stop worrying about these things. All these voices inside my head just from a single word.
I have been trying really hard to unlearn all of the tapes in my head about what’s a good food and what’s a bad food. I’ve been trying to pay attention to what I’m craving and just eating only the amount that I actually want. I’ve been paying attention to the words I use and the words others use.
It is so hard to unlearn things especially when they’re all around you all the time. And I felt really proud today for being able to catch all those conversations in my head and for being able to order the brownie anyway and eat only as much as I wanted and then put the rest away. And most importantly for not feeling guilty or ashamed or even daring.
It’s going to be a long journey for me to normalize all the foods and maybe it may never happen but this is also part of the wellness journey for me. Paying attention, noticing, being intentional. And as always giving myself grace again and again and again.
#100dayproject, #the100dayproject, #karenikaradicalwellness
Leave a Reply