Daily Diary – February 22 2010

Today started out well but then went downhill really fast. I was all together and getting stuff done in the morning and then as the afternoon came, Nathaniel didn’t take his nap long enough but then he was so whiny and unhappy. He would play for a little while and then whine.

But, of course he is so cute.

And David kept practicing his karate moves. He said he needed to practice them until he was tired.

Those little balls are Bakugan balls that magically open with cards. He loves them. He loves all of David’s toys. Way more than his.

So at 4pm, I had this really important video conference with my manager and teammates. The baby was melting down, David was bored silly and I had to keep them all quiet. I tried everything with Nathaniel. I gave him snacks, I fed him, I held him, I even nursed him but nothing was doing the trick.

So finally I put him down and asked David to see if he could entertain him. I swear I talked to my team for about 6 minutes before I turned around and saw that Nathaniel had swiftly removed his diaper and also managed to poop at the same time. No one at my meeting knew what was going on of course and I couldn’t abruptly leave since they were answering one of the issues I bought up. So I picked up the baby, cleaned him as best I could, put on a new diaper, and held him for the rest of the meeting. Once the meeting was over, I put him in the tub and washed him all over.

Yep, that’s me, Mother-of-the-Year!

ugh.

Note to Self:
I’ve noticed that while I am in general calmer, I tend to flare up more easily lately. I get defensive, I take things personally, I am frustrated and impatient. These are not things that I would like to be. I am trying to be more mindful this year. Slower. More deliberate and flaring up for no reason does not factor into that. I need to go with the flow a bit more. I start every morning telling myself I won’t get flustered, I won’t yell, I won’t do things I regret. Yet I still do them. Over and over again. I want to stop the cycle. I want to learn to take a breath. Learn to let it go. Learn to teach the lessons patiently and deliberately. I want my kids not to do something because they understand why it’s bad and respect it. Not because they’re scared I’ll fly off the handle. I want to learn to be calm. Calm. Peaceful. I crave this.

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. Today, I’m grateful that videoconferences have mute and that I can choose what the other side sees. (And doesn’t see.)
2. I’m grateful that I’m taking to do a little bit of art each night. Something that makes me happy.
3. I’m grateful that David and I took the time to craft today. I cherish our projects. I cherish our 1-1 time.