Daily Diary – February 16 2010

We lost my grandmother tonight 6pm my time (4 in the morning in Turkey.) My grandmother, Maya, was one of the most special people I’ve ever known. We’ve always been close to her and she’s always been the rock in our family. The one who brings everyone together. In the summertime, our house is in the same garden as hers and we used to go to her house all the time. So many of my childhood memories are full of her.

When I was little, I used to be afraid of my grandmother. She was strict and talked to us with a stern voice. But she was also incredibly generous with us from the very beginning. My all time favorite present (which was actually given to my sister but I got to inherit them from her) was an encyclopedia set she got. It may seem odd in today’s Internet age but encyclopedias were a big deal when I was a kid and they were very very expensive. It was a present I treasured for a long time.

Over the years, my grandmother softened up but she stayed as the solid power that always drew the family close to each other. All religious holidays were celebrated at her house. I have so many memories of delicious dinners surrounded by all of our family at her house. She spoke French better than Turkish and as a kid, I was always mesmerized by her stockings. (She wore garters, which I am guessing was something she adopted during the 50s and 60s.) She was a master tennis player. She had started at 5 and was still playing at 75. She was famous.

She was also a master bridge player. She made the most delicious chocolate dessert (mousse au chocolat) and would make a point of making it each time I visited home. No matter what. Back when I used to drink them so much, she also made a point of having Diet Coke on hand for when I visited. After I moved to the US, she instated family night where one night a week, any family members who wished to were invited to dinner at her house. No pressure, just an open house. And my family went often because without the pressure, it was actually fun.

I remember she had so many crystal bowls and as a kid, I loved going through them and discovering the candy, chocolate or nuts that awaited me. She loved playing Scrabble and could play for hours. (In French, of course.) I remember the fascinating books that filled her bookshelves. In French and English and Turkish. She also loved to travel and until her first heart attack, fifteen years ago, she used to travel all the time. She had so many friends. People who loved her.

I can go on and on. I loved my grandmother so much. So so so much that my heart aches. She was 91 and the night before she had her heart attack, she went to the movies and had a great time. I am glad that she enjoyed her life all the way to the last moment and I am so glad that she didn’t suffer. I know she lived a full life and she now gets to join her husband who was gone before I was born. But I am still so heartbroken. And I already miss her so much.

I love you so much, Omama, and I am so thankful for each and every moment that we got together.

Note to Self:
It is so easy for me to focus on all the regrets. How my grandmother never got to meet Nathaniel. How I wish she’d spent more time with David. How I wish I’d known more about her. Seven years ago, I took this course that changed my life and when I was telling her about it, she mentioned that she wished she’d taken it and how she had so many regrets and I ached to ask her more (at the time we were having a big family dinner and I felt like that was a 1-1 conversation.) but I never did. I regret so much. And yet, I think it’s better to focus on the good. I am so lucky that I got to live so close to my grandmother. That I got to enjoy 35 years of my life with her. That she got to see both my kids. (even if through Skype.) That I know (I always knew) how proud she was of me. How much she loved me and how very much I love her. These are the things I want to focus on. The amazing and long life she lived. She was quite healthy for 91 years of life, may we all be so lucky. So, I am forcing the bad thoughts away from my head and focusing on the good today. Celebrating her. Feeling the love and letting it fill me up.

Three Things I’m Grateful For:
1. I am so grateful my grandmother didn’t suffer. And I am grateful for the 35 years we had together. That I got to know her as much as I did.
2. I am grateful for a long and wonderful walk I took with my kids today. I’ve wanted to do this walk for months but kept postponing it. I am glad we took the time today.
3. I am grateful for my family today. For Jake hugging me tight and holding me while I cried, knowing exactly what I needed. For my kids who are the definition of bliss. For my parents who are so loving, so kind, so generous and truly one of a kind. For my sister who is there for me through and through. And her husband who is amazing and her kids whom I adore. And my other grandmother who shines with each smile. And my aunt and uncle who’ve always supported us and encouraged us. I am blessed and I know it. I will not forget it.

And, of course, the little boy. Always the little boy.