Reflection

I’ve now been writing this log for over eight months.

To many, that’s not a really long time and to some it’s awfully long. Personally, I’m quite amazed that I’ve been writing consistently for that long. Amazing that I can find something to write about every single day. Maybe that can account for the entries you’ve read that seem to lack in substance. (I’m not going to do my usual self-deprication act here, since I assume you wouldn’t be coming here unless you enjoyed my writings on some level and if you’re a first time reader, well tough crap if you don’t like what you see.)

I’ve also often thought about why I write. I went through many phases and mood changes, especially in the beginning. I started with blogger, so I anxiously awaited for my page to show up in their directory and then I kept checking my hits everyday. I asked my friend Adam, who’s hosting my site, to setup my referrer logs so I could check who was coming from where. I discovered weblog rings and joined a few so I could get more hits. I needed the hits!

And then a while passed and I started reading more and more people’s pages and seeing what they did and tried to figure out what appealed to me most so I could shape my own site. I redesigned a few times, but I am no designer and I realized that most concepts I had in my head weren’t really feasible in my ability range. And then I went through the self-denial phase where I was like, ‘who cares if anyone reads my page, it’s for me anyhow.’ Which I totally believe to be an untruth. If you want to write and don’t care for others to read, it makes no sense to make a web page for your writing. Barnes and Noble and other establishments would be happy to sell you diaries that require no HTML skills.

For days I pondered why I felt the need to have a site and to write, especially since no one read it anyhow. And, of course, that wasn’t the truth. While I might be far from the most popular sites, I had a few consistent readers. Some people even liked to me from their sites. And then a few people started emailing me their thoughts related to some of the posts I made and we started conversing, initially about those issues and then in general. That’s when it hit me.

I’ve always written diaries, so the question of why I wrote wasn’t interesting. The reason I like writing on the web, however, is because it’s like having a multi-way conversation. Not only do I get to put my thoughts out there, but people write back to me and challenge my thoughts and stretch my mind, or they agree with me and make me feel less alone. Both of which I find extremely rewarding.

I don’t really like reading logs that point to many news items. News items are interesting and good information but between the newspapers, metafilter, slashdot and a few similar sites, I can get all the news and links I need and then some. I like the personal side of the pages. I like to see how people think, what kind of lives others have, what struggles they go through. When something great happens to the owner of a page I read regularly, I feel just as happy as if it had happened to someone I know in real life. And when something bad happens, I tend to react just as strongly.

I don’t exactly know who reads my log anymore, and I’ve sort of let go of my obsession with it. Of course I like that people read it and I hope more and more people do, but if they don’t, well it’s really hard to obsess over something I can’t control. I’ve also learned that not every page appeals to everyone. Some of the pages others love, don’t give me the satisfaction that I get from my favorites. And thankfully, we all have the freedom do surf wherever we want.

What I do still wish for, however, is for my readers to make contact. I feel like my thoughts are a good start for me, but when someone else tells me his or her side, it makes me think harder and if there were three of us, the conversation would get even more interesting, and so on. So since I don’t really link to much of anything, except in my tidbits, I wonder why people don’t tell me what they think more regularly.

Oh, well. This is just to give you my thoughts on logging for this long and also to tell you that if you have something to say and even if you don’t, please say it. If you don’t like to say it publicly here, you can always email me.

And if you don’t? Well that’s okay, too, I still hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing it.

Ps: Yes, I know eight months is an odd time to be writing a reflective entry, but I felt like it and who says I have to wait anyhow?

Previously? Evil!.