On My Mind – 21 – Endless Worrying

I want to be an optimist. 

I want to be the kind of person who can look at my life and know that I am doing my best. And approach things from the perspective of growth and gratitude and putting my best foot forward. And then letting everything else go. 

I want to have faith that things will work out.

I want to remember that nothing is really unrecoverable and things work out in the end.

I want to let things go.

I want to just relax.

Yes, that’s it.

I want to just relax.

But alas. I can’t. I won’t. I don’t.

I worry constantly. I am often sad. I am anxious. I think of the worst possible outcomes. When there isn’t much to worry about, I tend to make things up. 

And I definitely can’t just relax.

I don’t want to feel any of these things. I don’t thrive on being down so often. I don’t thrive on fearing the worst. I don’t thrive on being worried.

At least I don’t think I do.

But I can’t remember being any other way. This is who I am, this is how I show up in the world. This is what I know. 

On my mind this week is the fact that I am so tired of feeling this way all the time. That I want to just be done being this way and instead choose peace. Choose to have faith and choose to lean into that faith. Lean into peace. 

If only I knew how.

On My Mind is a year-long project for 2018. You can read more about my projects for 2018 here.