I snapped a photo of these at today’s play group. You know how I love tulips. Here’s one of Nathaniel at the play group, too.
Uneventful day yet I still feel wiped and overwhelmed. Who knows what it’s all about. Nathaniel did sleep better last night, thank God. Not much to report from today. I am looking forward to the weekend and I plan to take it easy. I think my body and heart both need that.
Note to Self:
I go around and around and always end up here. Validation. Feedback. Why is it something I need so much? Do I think that other people liking me makes me a better person? If they love me, will I also love me? Of course, not. It all starts with me. Gotta remember that better. How do I find a way to remember that?
I’ve been a bit behind in my catalysts. I want to make them but I’ve been too tired to sit and do art. I am not feeling inspired. I question my ability to create anything worthy. Whatever that means. Tonight I told myself that maybe I should just do some digital pages. For me, that’s almost like I’m cheating. Doing them for the sake of doing them. But then I remember it’s more about “Therapy” than “art.” If I also get to create beautiful art, that’s wonderful, but not if it gets in the way of the therapy. Just like the weekly gratitude. The goal is to get the stories down. The words. Those are the magic for me. The words. Gotta remember.
Three things I’m grateful for today:
1. The man who fixed our back door. The door that opens from the living room to the back yard has been broken for two weeks now. I use that door twenty times a day, so it’s been really frustrating not to have it. I tend to take these kinds of situations and let them really really get me worked up. So I’ve been carrying this around for over ten days. When it finally got fixed (we hope!) today, it was a big relief. I can now put all this frustration down.
2. Nathaniel’s baby group. While I’m still apprehensive and shy around the women, I love that Nathaniel has someone to play with once a week for an hour. He doesn’t get it yet but still, it’s good for him to play with other little babies, wander around in someone else’s house. I love that he has that.
3. Simple yet entertaining movies. I’ve been brain-dead for a few days now. I have read a little but I’ve mostly been watching movies. I’ve watched 500 Days of Summer, Post-Grad, All About Steve, and now Julie and Julia. None of them were masterpieces but I loved them all. I loved the little bit of relaxation they gave my soul.
Being able to let things go is a biggie. I feel I have made some progress in that department but I also feel it has taken me decades to inch along there. It is oddly liberating when you can. In my enabler capacity this morning (!) I would also recommend the book, “Everyday Blessings, The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting” by Jon and Myla Kabat-Zinn. It’s a large book and so took me a while to plough through but one passage I will remember for the rest of my life. In one chapter he talks about the some cultures’ practice of placing their hands together and bowing to others as a way of honoring that person’s true nature. And how this is sometimes also done to animals, flowers, trees, the rain etc. The quote, “For everything has its intrinsic nature, which makes it what it is and helps it take its place within the whole, and the relationship between them is always reciprocal. I like to bow in this feeling way to babies and to my children. Sometimes I do it when they are sleeping. Mostly, I bow inwardly.” When I first read that I felt a warm wave wash over me and in some of the most difficult of times I bow inwardly to my son. Standing over him at night as he sleeps is a special time, watching him be still. I hope you have a restful weekend and that the boys do too,
I think you should know that one of the tags in which I purchased on etsy from you sits in a shadowboxed frame in my workshop. freedom. It sits next to a wall vinal that reads achieve. And above them both is a wood piece that has the words create.
Create, achieve, freedom.