Relationship Bliss

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who ignore problems and those who like to work through them.

It would be fair to say that I belong to the latter group. Until recently, I thought this was a desirable and mature characteristic.

Let’s talk about the ones who believe in the bliss of ignorance. To me the idea that a problem would disappear if only it were never addressed sounded ludicrous. I kept saying “Are you telling me that if I completely ignore his picking his nose all day long, he’ll actually stop?” I know many people who act as if the problems are simply not there. Some even make excuses to cover up. Anything, as long as we don’t have to face the real issue.

I just think this option never gives the other person the benefit of the doubt. If a friend’s behavior is upsetting me and I never tell her, she could possibly keep on doing it and I’d have no right to get more agitated, though I most likely would anyhow. Ignoring the issue only allows it to reoccur and it says to the other person that I don’t think it would be worth my time to talk to her.

So it made perfect sense that if an issue arose between me and a person I cared about, I’d sit down as quickly as possible and tell the person my concerns. It also made sense to me that we would discuss the issue and our feelings about it until we came to possible resolutions and even picked one to try out.

I also used to subscribe to the ‘don’t go to bed angry’ belief. So that mentality coupled with the previous made it dreadful when any problems occurred. Especially if the other party was one who likes to ignore the issues.

Imagine if you will, me sitting up in bed, frustrated about a problem and trying to talk it out with my boyfriend. He’s tired and all he can think of is how to make this problem go away so we can sleep. So I talk and he nods. I suggest resolutions and he agrees to anything. I can tell what he’s doing so I get more frustrated and now he’s annoyed I won’t drop it. Then I start realizing it’s getting late but I can’t go to bed angry, so it’s even more urgent that we resolve the problem. So I push harder. I want him to cooperate. I need him to listen. He’d better believe in resolving issues and start suggesting viable resolutions or…

Well, you can imagine the rest. Not a pretty picture.

It seems there’s a good time for ignoring an issue and a good time for addressing it. And nothing has to be done ‘now’. If your relationship is solid, it’s okay to go to bed angry and then resolve the issue in the morning when you’re both calmer. It’s even okay to ignore it for a while so the other person can breathe and be ready to talk. And it’s also okay to ignore some things completely. Many habits come and go, instead of fighting each of them; I’ve learned it’s best to pick your fights.

It’s best to resolve the major issues, or at least really try to, and let go of the small ones. If the small problem gets bigger, you can address it then. On the other hand, if it disappears, you avoided some unnecessary talk.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not suggesting ignoring an alcohol problem or a situation where one person feels used. I’m talking about the little things, like putting the dishes next to the sink or not picking up the towels when they fall. Not everything needs a four-hour conversation, not everything needs to be fixed.

Next time you see a towel on the floor, think hard about how much time it will take for you to resolve that forever compared to the amount of time it will take you to simply pick it up.

And then pick the damn towel up.

Previously? Lead vs Follow.