Endurance

They say girls have a soft spot for their dads.

I’m not sure of the accuracy of that sentiment but it definitely applied to my mom.

My grandfather passed away eleven years ago. He got an extremely rare disease that practically made his bones melt. He was fine one day and gone within a week. In the week after my grandfather’s passing we had many visitors but my mom was mostly in a daze.

One of her clients approached her and said, “May God never give you as much pain as you can endure.”

I still remember the surprised look my mom gave the woman. She thought the client was inappropriate and uncaring.

It took us years to fully understand the depth of the woman’s wisdom.

Humans are capable of handling large doses of pain. Really large doses.

I spend hours of my day worrying about the stupidest things. I worry about work and performing well. Increasing the speed of a stored procedure. Laying out a usable interface. Debugging an executable that keeps hanging.

On the weekend I worry about the day ending. Not spending enough time writing my novel. That I still suck at the saxophone and that I’m out of milk.

I really do worry about the stupidest things. I get upset and I let it get to me.

Last thanksgiving I hurt my back, without doing anything. After a month of struggling with doctors and turning suicidal thanks to steroids, I found out that I had two herniated discs on my back. I spent the last seven months making twice weekly trips to the physical therapist, taking pills that ate the lining of my stomach, and getting poked by acupuncture needles that caused my body to react in the most unusual ways. I felt like crap. I got better. And I felt like crap again.

Last night, my neck started hurting. I felt like someone was sticking a wooden pole where my skull met my neck. As Jake told me about his day, my left side slowly started to fall asleep. It was as if thousands of ants walked up and down my arm.

I took some Vioxx and went to bed. I figured I must be exaggerating or hallucinating the pain.

Well, the morning greeted me with a big smile and even more pain. Less awareness on my left side, acute pain on the arm. Three hours of begging on the phone and my doctor said I should go over there. He said back pain doesn’t move up the spine and had I been to a neurologist yet?

Not what I wanted to hear.

I go to the doctor, I wait in the office, I walk in, he pokes me with paperclips. He says it looks like I might have another slipped disc, this time on my neck.

Suddenly, everything else doesn’t seem so worrisome anymore.

I only hope I don’t have to have as much pain as I can endure.

Previously? Museum.