Random

I didn’t use to believe in randomness.

As a person who spends too much time on each of her moves, my decisions and choices are never haphazard. I have specific reasons for almost each step and can recite them to you if you so wished. I try to think before I speak and I search for meaning behind my actions. The idea that people do things without thinking never made sense to me.

I can agree that, often times, people aren’t aware of their own motives. Many of us are affected by our subconscious and do things because they ‘feel right’ or ‘come naturally’. To me, even forgetting was an active decision. The fact that you forgot to buy a dress of the occasion meant that you secretly didn’t want to go at all. I guess I didn’t like the idea of taking away credit. Since humans are amongst rare animals that have thought and decision-making capabilities, it didn’t make sense that they wouldn’t constantly take advantage of their unique capability.

Accepting randomness sounded like a copout to me. Instead of taking responsibility, people got to say “oh, I forgot” or “it didn’t mean anything”. Everything means something. Things happen for a reason. If you forgot, it most likely wasn’t all that important to you in the first place. Instead of hiding behind excuses, I wished people would be bold enough to tell the truth.

“Actually, I don’t enjoy going out on Friday nights.”

“I’m afraid I didn’t like that movie at all.”

“I just feel like you always bring me down.”

There are better ways to phrase honest sentiments and it’s important to do that, but so is not being fake. And I just figured why lie forever when you can tell the truth once and be done with it?

Everything means something.

I’m not sure if I believe that anymore. The above sentence makes it really hard to deal with major calamities beyond your control like murder, rape or losing a baby. I’m adjusting my mind to the fact that sometimes things happen for no reason at all. At least no discernable reason. And it’s okay not to know the ‘why’s.

Sometimes it’s best to just move on. To know that something will only affect you if you let it and that you won’t.

Maybe entropy is more likely to be the world’s model than order, but it still doesn’t excuse your not thinking about your actions and words. Next time you run across a situation where you seem to have done something inadvertently, pay attention to your feelings and thoughts.

Maybe you’ll discover that the act wasn’t so random after all.

Previously? Seed.