Expectations

“Sweetie, I really think we should move into a two bedroom.”

“What?”

“It’s just that this house is so small and we really should be looking for a two bedroom.”

“But we only come home to sleep.”

“We’re here all weekend long.”

“When we’re not at work.”

“This way when my family or your family comes to visit, they can stay in the other room and it won’t create the mess it now does in the living room.”

“Karen, it would be cheaper for us to pay their hotel each time. Do you really think we need another bedroom?”

Do I? Nope. Of course we don’t need another bedroom and the amount of rent saved would easily allow us to go to Turkey once a month. I don’t think we should move into a two-bedroom. My mom does.

“Maybe I should take a writing class?”

“What? You don’t need a writing class, you just need to write more.”

“But I write so badly.”

“No you don’t and a class won’t help that anyway.”

“But maybe I cant take a class that tells me what I’m doing wrong or one that helps me find my voice? A class where the teacher can tell me that I should keep trying or just cut my losses and move on.”

“Karen, you’re fooling yourself. You’ve already taken all the necessary classes.”

Have I? Would a class really help? Nope. Why do I know? Cause I took it. Did I think it was going to help? Nope. But Jake did.

“It’s really important that I learn how to speak French better, with a perfect accent.”

“I shouldn’t quit my job when they think so highly of me.”

“Why would I move to California when I’m already so far away from home?”

“I can’t be a real writer if I don’t like James Joyce or Hemingway.”

Who says? Why are other people’s thoughts, words, priorities and judgements so important? Why do I hold myself to the expectations of others?

In the blur of other people’s conversations and questioning, I’ve been having a hard time finding my own thoughts. And it’s important that I do. It’s my life. These are my days on this earth and it’s my right to use them up as I wish. As long as I’m not harming others, I should be allowed to execute them according to my own wants.

And I will.

I’m learning to distinguish my voice within the noise.

Previously? Random.