Today’s card says: Choose to work on the yelling. It is so hard on everyone. Choose to calm down. Choose to remember that almost nothing matters as much as being kind.
This is one of the issues I struggle with the most. When I grew up, there was a lot of yelling in my family. In fact, in my twenties, I asked my mom if she would like to get tested because she yelled almost all the time. As it turns out she was somewhat deaf in both ears. Possibly born that way. Maybe that’s why she yelled a lot. Or maybe she was nervous like I am. I don’t know. What I do know is that she never hit me, she never hurt me, but she did yell a lot.
I don’t remember being upset about it as a kid. It was just the reality in my home. I grew up with friends whose parents were mean but my parents were always incredibly kind so I never thought much about the yelling. It was mostly a communication style in my family.
But I can tell that it’s not the same thing for my kids. My kids get really upset when I yell. They get even more upset when Jake yells because it’s very rare for him to yell. But it’s not rare for me. I yell often and almost always about inconsequential stuff. Being late to the school shuttle, not putting the dishes away, horsing around, talking when they should be taking a bath. These are the reasons I yell. When I am nervous, scared, in a rush, stressed, or tired. These are the times when I yell. When something is seriously wrong, I rarely yell. But when it’s inconsequential, day to day life stuff, I yell. And that stuff happens a lot more often. So I yell often.
I want to remember that people never forget how you make them feel. And yes I spend a lot of time hugging and kissing my kids. A lot of time talking to them. A lot of time telling them how much I love them. A lot of time listening to them. A lot of time apologizing. A lot of time sitting and working with them. And I know that they know that I love them. I know that they know I don’t mean to ever hurt their feelings. But I still don’t want to yell. I don’t want them to remember all the yelling when they think of me. I only want them them to remember how much I love them.
And yet this is such a struggle. I think about it every day and I do it anyway. It’s almost instinctive. I do it without thinking. When I am yelling, I don’t notice the moment of choice that the word choose is all about. So that’s what this word is about for me. Remembering that I do have a moment of choice, even with something like this. Especially with something like this.
Choosing Means is a Monthly Project for May 2016. You can read more about my projects for 2016 here.
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