Limbo

Is there an age when the world suddenly starts falling apart?

An age when life-long friends suddenly seem to disappear?

I don’t have that many close friends. I don’t feel like I want to. For me, being a close friend in an intense experience. This is not just a friend. This is someone who is there through the thick and thin. Someone who knows you so well that, you don’t need to say anything for them to understand everything. You know what I mean. It’s all the stereotypical movie stuff.

I guess that friend for me is Jake. The one who loves me not in spite of my quirks but because of them.

Other than him, I had a few close friends. Some I met in college, some before, and some after. All are special. All have significant places in my heart.

All are starting to disappear.

As far as I am concerned, short of death or illness, there are few more awful feelings than losing a friend. One of those few, is limbo.

I hate limbo.

Limbo is when you’re still friends but you know something is wrong. Limbo is when you start thinking whether it’s a good time before you make each call. Limbo is when you are reading into each word so much that conversations start losing meaning. Limbo is when some of the calls get returned and others don’t. Limbo is when you alternate among acting nonchalant, sad and angry. Limbo is when you stop being yourself. Limbo is when you want to grab her and shake her until whatever it is, is gone, but you can’t.

Limbo is when you know it’s dying.

Limbo is what I’m going through with two of my close friends. The uneasy calls. The paranoia. The unusual politeness. Not knowing what’s going on. Feeling scared, lost and angry all in one. Desperate to do the right thing. To stop the inevitable.

I don’t know why it’s happening now. Is there something about growing up?

Is it really possible to have the friendship that the books and movies display? Can you really have a friend who’s normal and has her own family and life and yet is there for you each time you need her? Is it possible to have a great family, husband, children, career and a best friend? Or is it more realistic to assume that you have a friend to hang out and chitchat with but nothing all that deep?

Maybe it’s time to accept that life is not the movies and not a fairy tale. In life, we have friends that come and go. In life we have limbo. Maybe it’s time to let go.

I can’t imagine it will hurt as much as limbo.

Previously? Hedonism.