Reevaluating

Two nights ago, one of my son’s close friend’s mom emailed me (and several other moms) to see if we were interested in signing up our kids for summer camp classes. As I looked at the prices and the feasibility of driving my kid back and forth to the faraway location, I started stressing and worrying and my mind started spinning.

I’ve noticed that I’ve been doing this a lot in the last few years as my son started elementary school and I’ve been trying to make sure I can meet his needs as well as the demands of my work and life and my other son and my marriage, etc. Each time something comes up, I feel a sense of panic and I try to do what’s “right.” I talk to my husband and when he questions my thoughts, I get aggressive and defensive.

And then I was reading this wonderful blog post yesterday.

It made me realize exactly how much stress I’d been carrying for the last few years.

More importantly, it made me realize why.

I don’t know if it’s because I didn’t grow up here and didn’t know the rules around Elementary school or if it was the dynamics of where I live, but either way, somewhere along the line, I felt like I was ill-equipped to figure out what my son’s life should be like at this age. What extracurriculars should he be doing, how much, what play dates, sports, academics, etc. Because I felt like I hadn’t spent enough time thinking about my values and thoughts around this, I was reacting to what others around me did. Since I had no idea, they must be right and we must do what they were doing.

Reading that post woke me up.

I am who I am and I do what I do. There are things I stand for and it shouldn’t be that hard to figure out how this extends to my son. We have our way of living and family values. I decided that it was time to take a big step back, think about what really matters to me, to us, to my son and then figure out how this looks in the real world.

For example, instead of going to the camp that’s really far away, I’d much rather my son spends some of his summer time volunteering. I think he will learn much more valuable life lessons there than at any camp. I also believe since we both work, we are not in a place to drive our kid 2 hours each way for camp and that just means we have to pick one that’s closer if he really wants to go to camp. This doesn’t mean my kid is going to be devastated (in fact, I talked to him afterwards and he doesn’t even want to go to that camp.) It just means that this is the way our family works and we all adjust to make it optimal for everyone involved.

Once I’d lined up my values and what matters most to me, I decided I will talk to my son. Let’s see what matters most to him and between him and us, we can decide how to handle summer (and all other things that come up.) This moves us from a space of reacting to a space of intentional action. That’s the space I want to be in.

And also to remember nothing is personal. This wonderful mom wasn’t “pointing her avocado at me.” She was trying to do her best for her kid, aligned with her values and life choices and wanted to make sure my son felt included if he so chose. It was a kind and generous gesture. And I am grateful.

Thanks to this new perspective, I know that when I find myself reacting and defensive and aggressive, it’s a sign that I need to step back and reevaluate where my values are. What matters most to me and what that would look like in action.

Amazing what one blog post can do.