I’m a doer.
I get things done.
Across all the jobs I’ve ever had and all the reviews I got, my managers always agreed on one thing: “Karen gets things done.” It’s who I am. I make lists and then I execute them. I am one of those people who dots the i’s and crosses the t’s. I like to see things finished. I love having todo lists and I love crossing the items off. It’s what keeps me going.
So when something gets in the way of the ability to get things done, I feel very uneasy. I feel out of my power-zone and I get depressed. Quite quickly.
That’s how things have been here lately. Nathaniel is getting up every two hours at night and he doesn’t sleep during the day unless he’s in my arms. Which means nothing else is getting done.
And I mean nothing.
Even on days when I manage to shower, I am rarely out of my nightgown (since it allows the best nursing, I tell myself) and I sit here and stare at the computer most days.
And I am depressed. I feel guilty. We’re moving in a week and I feel bad for not going through and cleansing like I’ve been meaning to. I feel bad for David who is officially on summer break and already bored out of his mind. I feel bad for not creating anything. For not having started Nathaniel’s scrapbook yet. For not taking photos of anything but my kids. For not going out and enjoying the beautiful California sun. For not making the most of my maternity which I know will pass by so quickly.
The list goes on and on.
At the end of each day (which is 8pm for me lately) I get sad and depressed and think of all I didn’t do. I often tell Jake how horrible I feel. Sometimes I cry.
This is when the amazing and wise Jake tells me that I am doing the most important thing that needs to get done right now. I am raising our son. I am feeding him, taking care of him and loving him. This is all I need to do, he tells me. You are exactly where you need to be. he tells me.
I love him.
I am trying to remind myself that sometimes life requires pauses. Sometimes it’s important to slow down. To be in the moment. I am trying to forgive myself for the things I am not getting done. I am reminding myself that life flies by so quickly and this tiny, little creature who needs my help, love, and nourishment will soon grow up and I will miss these days. I will miss them so much. My todo lists will be there when this time passes. I will go back to getting things done. It’s what I do and the list of things that need getting done will never end.
So it’s time to pause.
Breathe.
And be in the moment.
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Pause5 comments to PauseLeave a Reply |
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It’s all true, what you wrote. Perhaps you are suffering from some post-partum depression, certainly from fluxes in hormones. It’s an extremely difficult time and yet you wouldn’t trade it for the world, right? What will really matter at the end of the day? That you got dressed or that your baby was comforted and nourished? David has the whole summer ahead of him and this won’t be the first time he is bored. 8 p.m. bedtime is what you should be doing because you need the rest. Nathaniel’s scrapbook will get started one day and it will be beautiful and the California sun will shine other days. Be kind to yourself. There are people counting on you to be and do your best.
Kim above said it all.. and I’d think the most important part of her message is to try and be kind to yourself. You’ve got to have heard ‘That I would be good’ by Alanis; it doesn’t entirely fit.. but please try and go easy on yourself. I, for one, have been amazed at your energy post Nathaniel’s birth! 🙂
And yes, bigg huggg!
ahhh karen. i read this with so much understanding. i struggle with this too. i am a do-er by nature. and everyday i am reminding myself to slow down. enjoy the sweet little moments because they pass by oh too quickly. you are doing what you were meant to do as a mother. you are taking care of your sweet boys. know that that is enough. you are right…take time to pause, breathe, and be in the moment. and remember too that your body is going through so many post partum changes…it is normal to be sad, normal to be emotional and normal to want things to just be back to “normal” (whatever that is) 🙂
hang in there…and have confidence that what you are doing is GOOD and what you are doing is all you need to be doing in this chapter of your life.
Yes, yes….the guilt of our generation….don’t want to be workaholics, don’t want to abandon the children, the family, the housework…..resulting in NOTHING GETTING DONE ALL OF THE TIME! Me too. On the upside, everyone is fed, everyone is healthy and we take it, though a trite saying, one day at a time. Love to you. Just breathe. BE PRESENT! I’ll try and do the same.
oh boy…can I ever relate to this 🙂 I know EXACTLY how you feel. When I was on the chemo and as I work my way out of it into radiation, I really learned to “be where I need to be.” The thing I’ve learned in the last six months is to strip away the self-imposed to-do list and get to the essential must be done tasks….these were few. Enjoy the pause…..he is sooo adorable!