A Glimpse of Peace

It’s now been two weeks since we’ve returned from our vacation to Turkey to see my family. I’ve been meaning to write everyday since and it’s consistently not happened. I am reminded again and again that habits are hard to form, easy to break, and even harder to get back into. Even the ones we like are hard to get back into when routines are interrupted.

I still haven’t adjusted to being back.

But I’ve been thinking a lot about my trip and some things that worked and some things I learned. Many of the themes I’ve seen in my life over this year were reiterated and I think this trip was definitely the epitome of being “present” for me. As much as I am capable at least. (always a work-in-progress)

Here are some things I embraced:

Focus on This One Day: As the trip approached, I found myself stressing about all that could go wrong. Flights we could miss, luggage that could get lost, people not showing up, kids having meltdowns, no food the kids liked, etc, etc. The list could easily go on for a long time. I noticed that even though we hadn’t even left yet, I was already worried about the things that might go wrong in the return trip. At some point, I realized that there was no way I could survive my own insanity. There were simply too many moving parts to this big trip and if I were to make it through, I had to focus only on what was right there in front of my nose. My mantra became “this one day.” I only let myself worry about this specific day (and sometimes even less than that, I’d say this one thing and then i’ll get to the next one.)

Even though I, intellectually, know that all we have is this moment, this day, etc. it’s quite difficult for me to really live my life like that. I am a worrier and the future is ripe for things to worry about. I am not sure what enabled me to put on a different attitude during the trip, but I know that it totally worked. I was not worried. I just did what needed to be done and I was here and in the now. Ever since I’ve been back, I’ve been trying to do the same for work, with kids, etc. Just being here and now. There’s magic in that.

Change The Way You See Yourself: I’ve written about this one before, too. This was the first time I took a trip alone with the kids. It involved a 12+ hour flight, 4-5+ hours of layovers, and then more flights and several other things I was very worried about being able to handle. During the months leading up to the trip, I felt more and more doubtful that I could do it. But then, as it got really close, I pulled myself aside and gave myself a good talking-to. Along with the this-one-day attitude, I decided that I can do hard things. And that I am fully capable of handling whatever happens. So my mantra went something like: Nothing will happen, all you need to focus on is this day, this thing. And if unexpected stuff happens, you can handle it and you will handle it and things will be okay again.

And you know what? They were. It was all ok. Stuff happened, I handled it. And things were back to okay.

I noticed that my own way of viewing myself and my capabilities has a lot of bearing on the way I show up in the world. So, no more of undermining myself. If I want to do it, I can. If I have to do it, I can. I have faith in my ability to do hard things.

Remember What Matters Most: And the most important lesson of it all. I had a lot plans around what I would do when I was home. The books I would read, the art I would do, etc. I even bought a Smash! book to do while there. And you know what? None of it got done. Nothing. I did one sketch the whole time and barely read one book. The first few days, I felt myself stressing but then I actively chose to let go. I reminded myself that this is my family whom I see once a year (if I am lucky) and I am here to be with them. Even if we’re doing nothing, it’s more important to spend this time with them than anything else on my list. They matter the most. Playing cards with my nephew, hanging laundry with my mom, staying up late with my sister. These are the reasons I went home. These are the people who matter most. These are the moments I will remember and cherish. As soon as I decided to let it all go, my todo list didn’t stress me one bit. Even the items I’d chosen to put there, the things I wanted to do, weren’t hard to let go.

This is the one feeling I’ve been trying to hang onto the most since I’ve been back. I’ve been trying not to rush into the todo list. Not rush into doing in general but focus on the being. Being present with those who matter to me. Slowing down and soaking it all in. It’s challenging at times, and I definitely get less done, but it’s also wonderful.

There were many ways in which I got in my own way during this vacation. Many things I wish I could have done differently. But these three things guided me the most and each time I was able to embrace them and lean into their presence a bit, I caught a glimpse of what peace and joy look like.