Pendulum

With all that’s going on in my life lately, my mood is behaving like a pendulum.

On the whole, I am happy. Most of the work for the wedding appears to be under control. We’re almost exactly on budget. Jake and I are getting along fantastically. Work’s going well, for the most part. The exams are over, and I don’t get to find out the results until April so I have a month of relaxation. I have to wait on the TB tests and the medical checkup for the wedding. We think we might have found a house.

So it all sounds good right?

Except for, I am stressed out all the time. I spend my nights looking at apartments all over New York City, hanging out with brokers whom I could go on and on about. Every second I am home, I feel this sense of urgency like I am not getting enough done and I am so overwhelmed that I just turn on the TV and do nothing, which, of course, makes the next day exponentially worse. I have a mountain of eleven books checked out from the library and the books are just not being read fast enough. My knitting has come to a temporary halt. My bills are strewn all over the coffee table. Dinner tonight is pretzels and almond butter. Not to mention all the unknowns of where I will be living in a few months, where I’ll be working, where I’ll be attending school, etc.

So I tend to swing back and forth between joy and crippling fear. In the last two weeks, I’ve found three major sources of help.

The first is specific to me. Yesterday, I was working at the bookstore and saw that someone had brought in the Teach For America book. In this book, Wendy Kopp, the founder, talks all about her struggles to start and maintain the organization. She outlines its goals and explains why certain teachers are more successful than others. I had read the book cover to cover on the floor of a Borders a month before I applied. Leafing through it again reminded me why I wanted to do this in the first place. Not only do I have no doubt that I want to do TFA, I am proud to have anything to do with such an organization. I’ve decided that each time I have doubts, I’ll walk into the nearest bookstore and leaf through the book.

The second is much more general. Amazingly, music can put a smile on my face in a matter of seconds. My mp3 player goes everywhere with me and even when I’m simply walking across the street to drop off my mail, I listen to music. It makes me want to dance. It erases all the stress and negativity. I am amazed at the power of a few notes each time. But my mp3 player has never failed me.

The last way is also not specific to my situation. If you’re a consistent reader of karenika, you’d know that I am a bookworm. Reading books, like music, transports me into a separate world where my wonders don’t exist. Fiction or non-fiction, it doesn’t matter. I am so engrossed in the writer’s world/concerns/issues that I don’t think of my own. I used to be able to read at home, but lately I’ve had ample distractions. On Saturday, between exam 1 and exam 2, I had an hour free so I went to a small cafe across the street and read my book while I ate. Even when I was about to have an exam in less than an hour, the book erased all my concerns. I did the same thing twice since then. A small restaurant, a tiny coffee shop, one of the multitude Starbucks’ in the city. Me and my book. It’s a match made in heaven.

I love the fact that I can escape my world without physically leaving it.

You have any ideas on what’s a good way to temporarily forget your troubles?

Previously? Parental Guidance.