First of all, I am sorry that I disappeared to nowhere for the last week or so. As I mentioned last weekend, I woke up with strep at the beginning of the week and it was a rough week so I decided to give myself whatever time off I needed. That meant the blog posts were going to have to wait. It also meant I am behind in everything. And it meant we started our summer with anything but a routine. Alas, this is the way life goes.
Anyhow.
A few weeks ago, I was sitting at book club and I was voicing my opinion and thoughts on something pertaining to working. One of the women in my group said something like “But your situation is so unique Karen.”
And I immediately went to my bad place.
I could literally feel my heart beating loudly and my entire body trying to choose between shutting down or rebelling. It was not a comfortable experience. And I’d like to say I handled it with grace, but I said a few choice words first (albeit quietly) and then closed my mouth.
But I was still seething inside.
Actually, I think I still am.
I spent my whole life feeling different, not-like-the-others, weird, blah blah. It’s one of the reasons I chose to leave the country I was born in and come here to the US. I’ve always chased after this feeling of wanting to be “normal.” As I have gotten older and reflected more, I’ve realized that, for me, these continual thoughts of being different have severed my sense of belonging. Because I feel like I am so different, I feel like I don’t belong and won’t ever belong.
So when someone tells me how different I am, I immediately hear “You will never belong here.” It doesn’t even matter if they mean well. Sometimes people will say how different I am, meaning it in a positive way, like how great I am, but I don’t even like hearing that. Because it still means I don’t belong. It still means “this one is not like the others.”
It perpetuates my deepest fear of never belonging.
But I’ve been making a conscious effort to fight this lately. I have come to realize that we’re all different from each other. And we’re all the same. We each share some things in common and we are wildly different in other ways. So, now, instead of seeing all the ways in which I’m apart, I look for things we share.
And I decided I am not okay with people calling me unique, different, whatever anymore. I am rebelling against it. All I’ve ever wanted was to belong, and I don’t understand why I have to be someone I am not to feel that way. So I am stopping the feelings inside and I am not allowing any more of the conversation that triggers these thoughts in me anymore.
Maybe this is childish. Is it? Honestly, I am so deep in lack of belonging that I can’t even see if it is. I just know that it feels wrong when people say it. Regardless of their intentions. And I don’t want to undermine myself or them so that I can fit in. I just want to be me and I want to be ok with them being who they are. We’re all 100% unique. There’s no other person like me or you in the world.
So maybe we all don’t fit in.
Or maybe I’m still a bit sick from the fever and antibiotics. I’m not sure.
You are not wrong.
It’s not the fever or the antibiotics.
The opinion which other people have of you is their problem, not yours. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Or perhaps this person’s statement was not meant in a derogatory way at all. Perhaps it would have been helpful to ask what she meant by it and perhaps it was a totally innocuous question. I find that personally I am sometimes feeling slighted by a comment from another person, but when I allow them to explain, it turns out not to be so.
I think that’s totally legitimate and i even venture to say she totally meant well. this is definitely my way of seeing myself in the world. i often think that when we like or dislike people it’s about how we feel around them and not about the other person so much. in this case too it was really how her words put me into a place where i just feel on the outside, i honestly don’t think that’s what she meant to portray. nonetheless, i feel that way so i need to be aware of where my feelings come from and now certain things trigger me so I can sort of raise my awareness and then hopefully go from reacting to responding.
It’s our choice how we let others make us feel. We can choose to accept their opinion or walk away going blah blah blah in our head. Its hard to do but its a mean of survival.
We are all different everyone’s situation is unique. No one has had the same life. Not even sisters. Yes yours may have been very different than she’s experienced but it doesn’t mean its anymore unique than hers. I’m guessing she maybe hasn’t even left the state she grew up in. I feel sad for her that she hasn’t had the experiences of living in different countries like we have. I feel sad for her that she has missed out all these learning opportunities. God made me unique and its personally the way I want to stay – you either take me as I am or you move on.
giving this a try: When this woman was telling you that your situation was unique, she was being her unique self, just like you were being yours. Does she need to deny her vision of the world in order for you to feel better about yours? Only you can make yourself feel at home in this world, because other people are going to invariably be different than you are and you are going to be different than they are. And somebody will eventually mention the difference. Being at home with yourself is a spiritual journey, a lifelong spiritual journey. Thank you for sharing your perception, and if this makes no sense, please just delete it and don’t let it adversely affect your day.
it makes a lot of sense 🙂 at it’s exactly my point too once i sit to think about it right. it’s not about what she says, it’s about how i’m interpreting it. it’s also about the power of words of course. but she absolutely meant no harm, i just decided (subconsciously) to have it mean something i always worry about and i used it to reinforce my own self belief. that’s why i wanted to ponder on it. thank you for your thoughts, they were wonderful food for me 🙂
The old tapes in our heads will drive us nuts unless we put them into cold storage and start playing new ones. I believe that everyone is unique AND everyone also wants to belong. It is a fine line that we walk. How much will be compromise to belong to a group, versus how much do we cherish what makes us different from the group. Be gentle with yourself while you navigate this path. Old tapes are triggered. Can you replace them with new ones? When someone says that you are unique, can you smile and say YES I AM? See how that feels.
well i will definitely try that on. you don’t think they will think i am being flippant? (it might actually work wonders on the tapes indeed but it will partly be cllaiming that it’s ok to be different. whereas my issues are around does different mean not belonging and i think that’s where i have to focus cause i am collapsing the two whereas they are not one and the same…. interesting how all this just came to me! thank you :))
I have found it important, too, to see how I am similar to others instead of how I am different. I don’t have to agree with what anyone says about me, that choice is mine to make. I try to have loving kindness compassion for myself and the other person, even when I feel myself getting triggered to respond angrily. I try to speak my truth and do it in a kind way. As the Dalai Llama says, “Whenever possible, be kind. It is always possible.”
i love that. yes being kind to others (and to self) is the best reminder always. i couldn’t agree more 🙂
I’ve had different reactions and thoughts as I read through this post and replies. My first thought was to embrace the unique. Our perspectives, skills, attitudes and experiences are unique to us and that is where our value is. We are all unique and that’s wonderful. But then I was reminded of a comment my sister made a few months back. My family were discussing work Christmas parties and I made the comment that I didn’t even get one. My sister told me that I had it so easy at work that I wasn’t allowed to complain. I love my sister, she loves me and there is no way she would remember she said that. It was a passing, flippant comment. But that comment stung. She made me different. Other. She excluded me. So I want to say to you – you aren’t alone. That feeling sucks and I think we all feel it from time to time. I think these comments often come from envy, admiration or simply being unable to relate. As you noted, they aren’t ill-intentioned. We can chose to acknowledge our situation is pretty great or say ‘hang on a minute, it may be different but it’s sure not perfect and here’s why.’ We can bridge that gap. I want to finish by pointing out that difference goes both ways. If someone points out a difference in you, they are also identifying difference in themself. Factor in that we tend to be quite self-absorbed creatures and a comment about you often really isn’t.
I think one of my biggest problems is I seem to think I can mind read! Someone says something and I immediately jump to what I KNOW they mean. If they make one comment and don’t go on to clarify then it is my mind reading interpretation of the comment that sticks. That’s okay if you’re not like me – I always jump to the negative side of remarks. Someone could say 49 good things and one not so good and the only one I would remember and be able to quote back is the negative one. A counseller said to me that I’d got beating myself up down to a fine art. I get the feeling you’re probably good at that too Karen. Just remember – you ARE unique – because you’re very special, an individual woman with strengths and talents. Yes you have failings too but only because you’d be boring without them! Now I’m going to sit in a corner and repeat the things I just said to you to myself!!!! Have a good day.