Marriage and Commitment

I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage and commitment lately. As I’ve hinted in the last couple of weeks, we’ve been hearing a lot of bad news from friends lately. Several marriages or long-term relationships (and I mean really long term) are falling apart and the news is making us sad. This happened several years ago when we first moved to San Diego, too. At the time, four or five couples called us in a matter of two weeks to let us know about their divorce and it had put me in a similar mood that I’ve been in for the last several weeks.



Pensive. Scared. Sad.



I am not sure why this news seems to come in batches or maybe the batches are more memorable so I don’t remember the intermittent ones as much. Either way, I’ve been really sad thinking about my friends and all the years they devoted into their relationship and how it’s dissolved. Especially when there are children involved. I still remember my parents’ divorce very clearly. Even though our story ended wonderfully with my parents getting back together, I know that’s really rare and divorce is really hard on kids. (so is a bad marriage, i know.)



A few weeks ago dooce had a post about which one is harder: marriage or motherhood. Of course, they each have their own challenges and it depends on the circumstances but one of the things someone said stuck with me: it’s much easier to take your marriage for granted. You know a baby/kid needs help and care. You don’t tend to forget that often. Yet, we don’t always remember the same thing about marriage.



Marriage (or relationships) need attention and care, too. Your significant other, as a person, needs attention and the marriage itself also needs care. A lot of communication, reserved time, tenderness, forgiveness, and love. But, I think most of this gets lost in the shuffle. Between work, taking care of kids and keepping daily motions of life, we tend to forget or ignore the little moments. We let resentment build up or, even worse, we simply give up and let things rot. And then, sometimes years later, we look up and realize there’s nothing left. That’s what I am most scared of because I never want to let that happen.



Despite our bad moments, I know exactly why I chose Jake over others in the world and I know everything I love about him and all the ways in which he’s a perfect fit for my life. I don’t want neglect to wear that out. I want to be the kind of person who remembers to take care of our love and relationship just like I care for David. I know that some days I just get too lazy or too tired.



But then weeks like these come and I realize that the cost of such laziness is way too high.