Being Me

One of the things we did in the One Little Word class at the beginning of the year was to set intentions for the year. As I was thinking about March, I decided to practice self-kindness and compassion and I was surprised to notice that my intention for March had been “kindly present” so it lined up really well.

As April approached, I was setting intentions for myself and one of the things that kept coming up was “be you.” I have a little stamp from Cat’s Life Press that says {be you} which I stamp on every single piece of art I create. It’s my reminder to self and message to others. I believe we shine the most when we fully step into who we are. It’s hard and requires a lot of bravery, but it’s also the most fulfilling way to live and it’s exactly what the world needs.

A few weeks ago, I had a small moment that caused me to set this intention. I was about to leave for vacation (a short 3-day trip including the weekend) and right before I left, one of the guys I work with asked me if I had finished a task I’d volunteered to take on. My original understanding was that the task wasn’t a rush and I had time to really dig in and figure out how to resolve it. But then he messaged me and asked me if I was done and made it sound like it was urgent and he was going to do it if I wasn’t done.

A lot of stuff kicked in at once for me. The panic I mentioned in yesterday’s post, the worry of not being good enough, the stress that I was leaving the next day, etc. I told him to give me fifteen minutes so I could see if I could get it done. About five minutes later, I knew there was no way I was getting it done in fifteen minutes or even a little longer. I felt the panic growing larger and also despair and smallness.

I then took a deep breath and tried to practice non-judging awareness. I noticed all my feelings and senses. I was feeling frustrated that the urgency had suddenly gone up five notches without my knowing about it. I was feeling small that he made it sound like he could just get it done and I knew I couldn’t “just get it done.” I felt like the stress of having this descend upon me minutes before I left. I felt all the “you’re not good enough to do this” and “maybe you’re not good enough to do your job” and on and on. I allowed all of them to come to the surface.

And then I changed my point of view. Instead of making it about “me” and “my incompetence” and the “unfairness to me” I decided to look at this from the group’s point of view. Would it be great if this project was indeed finished the next day? Yes. Did it truly matter (for the project) if I was the one who did it? No. So I put my pride aside and messaged the team member back. I told him that there was no way I was getting it done before I left and if it was urgent to get it done while I was out, he should definitely go ahead and do it. If not, I’d pick it up when I got back.

It was honest and the right thing to do. And it felt so good.

At the end of the day, whether I liked it or not, being myself meant admitting that I could not do it in the time allotted. It was also admitting my wishes to be the one to do it so I could learn and practice. I did both and also told him to do the right thing for the project regardless of me. It was hard and brave. But also easy and came with a huge sense of relief.

After that incident, I decided to practice being honest and being myself more and more. I figured I am who I am anyway. And while it’s great to try to improve (and I constantly do), it’s also important to just accept who I am. And the first step in that is owning up to it.

So I decided that my intention for April would be to be “me.” To really pay attention to who I am, how I really feel and approach all of it with non-judging awareness and then be myself unapologetically.

I’ve had a few occasions to practice since then and it’s paid off every single time. And with practice, the feeling of apologizing for who I am diminishes more and more.

(By the way, the situation at work resolved as well. My colleague didn’t get a chance to do it and so when I returned from vacation, I made the changes myself and got to learn like I wanted to and it was fixed in a timely manner.)

Just this week, I was looking at my intention card for April and there it was: bravely present.

I can’t imagine anything braver than fully being myself.