Every now and then I get into this place where I am reading a slew of books at the same time. This, to me, is a sign that I am distracted and need to refocus. So I told myself I can’t start any new books until this queue is finished all the way.
One of the books I’m in the middle of is True Refuge by Tara Brach. If you read here with any regularity, you know I am a huge fan of Tara and listen to her podcasts regularly and have found them to be incredibly helpful and thought-provoking.
Today, while I was waiting for Nathaniel’s class to get out, I read this passage:
When Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh was invited to the San Francisco Zen Center in the 1970s, the students asked him what they could do to improve their practice. He had entered a monastery at age sixteen, was ordained monk, and had endured the horrors of the war in Vietnam. I imagine they expected some rigorous prescription for deepening their spiritual life. Thich Nhat Hanh’s response: “You guys get up too early for one thing, you should get up a little later. And your practice is too grim. I have just two instructions for you this week. One is to breathe, and one is to smile.”
This is such good advice. Approach your practice (and your life) with an earnest yet relaxed heart. You can make a dedicated effort without tension and striving.
The part that was most most resonant for me was the very last part:
You can make a dedicated effort without tension and striving.
This has been a rough week for me. I seem to be lost in some kind of non-productive thoughts which are making life harder for me. And reading this is the reminder I needed. I always work hard. I know that part of the reason I’ve achieved the successes that have come my way is through hard work and persistence.
But what I also know is that my hard work is imbued with worry, stress, tension, and a lot of striving. A lot of wanting to be better. Beating myself up. Worrying. And then more stressing. And while I know these are not helpful, I can’t seem to disassociate them from the “dedicated effort.”
As if working hard, trying hard also means worrying a lot and stressing a lot.
And it does not.
It does not.
I love the idea of “an earnest yet relaxed heart.” The idea of not stressing but still working hard. Still committed, dedicated, and growth-oriented. And relaxed.
And I believe with all my heart and gut that this is possible. That a dedicated effort and lack of tension can live together.
And yet, I am not sure how to do it.
I know from experience that “just relax” is a completely unproductive thing to say to someone who is like me. If I knew how to relax, clearly I would be doing it. So the question here for me is how do I do it?
I shall start with breathing. Closing my eyes and taking a big, deep breath.
Let’s see where that takes me.
It’s amazing how often I read your blog and I’m like “She’s ME!” Relaxing isn’t an easy thing for everyone. I find laying by the pool in the sun boring. I find television boring. I LOVE to read, and I like my video games, but sitting still, doing nothing, that’s not for me at all. I like to fidget, pace, do something for fifteen minutes and then do something else. I get a lot of things done, I am very efficient, when I’m working on something, I just want to keep working until it’s finished. I don’t want a break, I just want to finish. Then I want something else to do, to focus on, to think about. I’m never staring into space with a blank mind, or staring at the television enraptured by what some idiot in Hollywood is up to. But lately I’ve found myself the busiest I’ve been in years and not anywhere near as stressed as I usually am about work/school/life. For me, MOST of that is believing that I’m good enough. I can do my job, I can do my school work, I can do my internship, I can do NTHS, I can volunteer, I can meet with my mentor, and I can be with my family. I can. It’s a balancing act a lot of the time, but it’s doable. I’m GOOD ENOUGH. That’s something we don’t tell ourselves often. Even artist who write the words “You are enough” over and over in their work and in their journals, I think “those aren’t the right words”. The words I need to hear are “I am enough”. I tell myself that I am enough, and I am. I can be busy and not completely freaked out about it. The house is messy but I got straight A’s this semester. I’m happy with that. It’s enough.
Karen, I love the quote. A very wise man indeed. I am sorry to read of your present troubles. Go with the quote. I want and need to myself presently.
Tom
I will have to find that book you mention. For me I think the way to relax is letting go of the outcome. I love to work hard also but almost anything you do is in collaboration with others. Being able to do your best and letting go of the outcome is the way to have an “earnest yet relaxed heart.” We think that we know what is the best outcome but we may be mistaken. What we think is the end of the world may actually be a new important beginning. Knowing when to push harder and when to surrender is the hard part.
Aloha, Kate
I work in an academic community and appreciate on so many levels the excerpt from Brach’s book. The last sentence is almost perfect – though in my context I would edit to read “You can make a dedicated effort without pretension and striving” A overly competitive arena and a need to prove yourself as a contributing member of the discourse gets so much in the way of honest, creative intellectual work. But of course I’m on the periphery.