Jitters

I’ve been freaking out about the upcoming wedding.

For one reason or another, I seem to find an opportunity to break down about it weekly. A good friend of mine says I have the jitters.

I guess it depends on your definition.

I’ve always associated wedding jitters with worry related to the person you’re marrying. If we use my definition, I definitely don’t have the jitters. I’ve been with Jake for over seven years and I’ve had a lot of time to think whether he’s the sort of man I can spend forever with or not. I’ve had opportunities to meet tons of other people and still am fully convinced that he’s my favorite person in the world.

Bar none.

So if Jake’s not the problem, why are you freaking out? one might ask. It appears there’s more to getting married than the man with whom you’re tying the knot.

One big part of it is the actual wedding party. What has become apparent to me is that it’s impossible for us to have a truly low-key wedding. So the bigger the wedding gets, the more concerned I become. The more chance things might not go as planned, especially since I didn’t plan all that much. Not to mention, I have only been to three weddings in my life, one of which was my sister’s, none of which was American. So I can’t even swing it since I don’t know the list and order in which things are done.

But the bigger issue isn’t the day, it’s the ‘forever.’ The fact that I am old, adult and mature enough to make a decision that will last forever. Before you go into your diatribe on how marriages aren’t necessarily forever and I’m allowed to change my mind and stuff, I would like to note that I plan for mine to be forever. I understand that things can change and it might not end up being forever but, if it’s alright with you, I’d like to plan on having it last forever. Marriage, to me, is the first step I’ve made as an adult. College, moving to the United States, moving into my own apartment, starting a job, quitting a career, moving in with my boyfriend have all seemed less permanent. Less daunting.

And I can’t exactly put my finger on why this is so daunting, but I know that it is. I know that it means more responsibility. It means more mature behavior. It is a door to more responsibility, such as having children. It’s a step where I can see the tunnel that is the rest of my life. Jake is someone I want by me for each of the steps I will make down that tunnel. So I know I chose the right person.

But I’m just scared that I could have chosen the wrong tunnel. And I’d like to reserve the right to switch. And somehow, until now I felt like I could move around and take different paths, but now that I will be married, everyone will be expecting me to walk down this one specific path and I am more likely to screw up.

So would that be categorized as having the jitters?

Previously? Richter at the MOMA.