I was listening to Tara Brach this morning in the car and she tells the story of this girl who is mixing paints and discovers for the first time that if she mixes blue and yellow, it becomes green. She’s so excited about this that when her Dad comes home, she wants to share it with him. But when he comes home, he’s still working on a deal and he’s on the phone and busy. She follows him around saying “dad, dad” but he’s busy. Eventually, as he walks into his office, she’s still there, following him so he turns around and says, “What are you doing down there?” And she says “Daddy, I live down here.”
Tara then goes on to talk about feeling heard and feeling like people notice you and care about what you say, etc.
This was not the first time I heard the story. I like to listen to all of Tara’s podcasts and she tends to repeat stories occasionally when they fit the topic of discussion. Even though it wasn’t my first time, the story stayed with me longer than usual this time around.
It made me think about my life and the way I treat my kids. The way they might or might not feel heard/noticed at times. And what I could do about it.
I feel like one of my core issues in life is my lack of a sense of belonging. Somewhere along the line I decided I didn’t belong and I just can’t seem to discard that notion easily. Even in situations I excelled, I have a nagging feeling of not belonging, this constant wait for the other shoe to drop. I am not sure if it comes from this feeling of “not being heard” but I do think that if a kid feels like s/he is heard and his/her words matter, it certainly strengthens the notion of belonging.
Maybe I am not right but I’m thinking about it and trying to see if feeling heard might affect sense of belonging.
The fact is, I am not a stay-at-home mom and I am not able to give all of my minutes to my kids. And, honestly, I don’t think feeling sad about it will help so I am trying to be realistic. I have a job which gives my kids other opportunities that are also important in their lives. I have hobbies, friends, personal growth ventures, etc. all of which take time away from my kids. And I don’t necessarily think the answer is to do away with those.
But then, I am trying to figure out what the answer is. One thing I try to do is make the most of the opportunities we do have together. On the way to and from school, I make sure to listen to my kids instead of being busy doing anything else (well, except driving!) I make sure to spend time with them each morning and each night. I always ask about their day, we have our gratitude conversations, our projects, our celebrations, etc etc. But I was thinking today that I’d like to do more. I’d like to schedule some time each day for each of my kids to talk to me about whatever they want. Some amount of time where I am completely, uninterruptedly theirs.
This is easier with Nathaniel since he spends more hours at home. With David, I will have to carve time. He and I spend very little time without Nathaniel and most of it is spent on homework, learning, or other growth activities. He doesn’t get time to just freely share with me each day for more than 10mins or so. The rest of the sharing is interrupted by work, Nathaniel, dinner, homework, whatever.
So I am trying to find a way to make my kids feel more heard. It starts with them but, of course, I want to do it with everyone in my life. With Jake. with my friends. With people I encounter. I want to be able to be 100% present when I am with them, no matter who. So it shows that they matter and what they say matters. That they belong in this space with me at this moment.
I don’t know if it will instill more belonging. I don’t even know if I can do it consistently. But I know that I want to. And since they are both home all week next week, I am going to give it a genuine try. Let’s see if it works.
If you have a strong sense of being heard and/or belonging, I’d love to hear what makes you feel that way. What I could try with my own kids. And maybe even myself.
Gretchen Rubin in her new book: Happier at Home encounters a similar situation and she addressed it by scheduling a weekly – I think – “date” with her daughter. Perhaps something like that for you and David?
My son David and I used to do coffee dates. Twenty years later, when he feels overwhelmed and stressed, he will ask me out for coffee. It’s a chance for him to unburden. He takes advantage of it. That alone time is very precious.
I feel the same way at times Karen, want my kids to know how much I love them and that they matter. We have rough times since it’s teen years and they are so different from me. I’m so quiet and simple and they are loud and into BIG things. We don’t have a lot of one on one time and I keep saying this has to change but put it off again.
The book Honore is suggesting is quite good, been reading it this month too. I also like her happiness Project book.
For the record though you are doing a GREAT job with the boys, I see so much joy and love in their faces and can see that they know how improtant and loved they are. Keep doing what your doing!!
I think it is just a case of knowing that your parent is available and ALWAYS on your side that makes one want to share with them. My husband and I both grew up in big families and we struggle to “belong” as well. Our son is 25 years old and even though we work full time whenever we see our son, we leave everything (house, garden) when he wants to chat. Even now (us being replaced by a full time girlfriend) we will be the first ones to be called when something good / bad happens to him. I think you are already there. Just keep enjoying your children.
I have a very clear memory of sitting underneath a quilt that was up on frames being quilted by my mom and her group of women she spent time with. (They were called “group” even. “I’m going to Group tonight!”) They were talking and laughing and telling stories—I think they forgot I was under there, listening and watching their needles move through the cloth. And I thought “My mom doesn’t talk to me like THAT” and then I thought “I want to talk to someone like that” and then I promised myself that I would talk to my kids like that.
I’ve tried, but it gets harder and harder as they get deeper into teenagehood. I hope I have listened to them and laughed with them and that they know I have HEARD them. I’ve tried.
But I’ve never thought of being heard as part of feeling a sense of belonging. What a powerful thought. It makes me think of how the place I feel the least sense of belonging (church) is where I hold back from saying what I am feeling (for fear of being judged That Weird Lady even though I’m pretty sure I’m known as That Weird Lady anyway). I wonder if I didn’t hold back and said what I thought if I’d feel more of a sense of belonging? hmmm. Thank you for a seriously lovely thing to think about!