2009 – The year of Peace and Bloom

I can’t remember when I gave up making resolutions but I have. I decided
I don’t want to wait until the first day of the new year to be a new me.
Why not do it today?

Not that I stuck to them when I used to make them. I have realized over
the years that I will never be as thin as I want to be or do as many
things as I’d like to get done in a day or year. The books won’t really
get written, until they do. I won’t learn as much, be as much, read as
much, give as much as I’d like to. Until I do. And when I do, I will.
The first day of the year won’t change any of these facts and why tie it
to something so random?



What I am trying to do instead is have more focus areas for myself each
year. Sort of aligned with Ali Edwards’ word of the year, I am picking
themes for myself and trying to make sure I focus on it all year long so
it’s ingrained in who I am by the end of the year. Last year, my word
was “journey.” I wanted to focus on enjoying the journey that is life
and not always the destination. Enjoy the little moments. Appreciate
life. Stop. Breathe. Look Around. I think I achieved some of it and, of
course, it will be ongoing work but I do feel it to be more a part of
who I am now.



I decided on this year’s word a few months ago when I was preparing a
class I taught (which is when I made the calendar photographed above).



Anyone who really really knows me would know that I am not peaceful. I
don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. I’ve always felt different and
not in a good way. Like something’s wrong with me. Like I don’t belong.
Like I am not good enough. And will never be.



This is not tied to any particular achievement. I’ve achieved a lot in
my life. I’ve been really lucky and blessed to have a great education,
fantastic career, amazing and loving husband and truly the best kid in
the world. And that’s just a few of them. But this feeling of not
measuring up (to something undefined) doesn’t go away. I compare to
others constantly but only in ways where I feel like I am not as good.
Not as intelligent. Not as pretty. Not as nice. Not as talented. I can
go on and on.



So this year I decided to work on the most important concept of all (for
me.) Achieving peace and blooming into my own. This is my year to
discover and embrace who I am. Be the best of me and love it. Relax and
not criticize myself. Not compare myself to anyone. Not worry about
being not good enough. Stop and appreciate the truly amazing things in
my life. Be thankful. Shed the past and be open and welcoming to the
great future. But mostly be in the present.

God willing, I will have another baby this year and I want to make sure
my kids have a peaceful mom who is happy with who she is (flaws and
all). I want to make sure my husband has a wife who is happy. If there’s
one thing I’d like to teach my kids, it’s that it’s ok to be whomever
they are. And how better to teach it than by example?



So here we go, the year of peace and bloom.