This is how I’ve been feeling lately: stinky.
One the things Tara Brach talks about in her podcasts is the “small self” and how when we’re so me-centered, or preoccupied or in a rush or worried, etc, we go into our small self. And I feel like I’ve been living there lately. I just feel scattered and tired and consumed with stress. I notice myself stressing and then get mad at myself. Which doesn’t really help.
It’s taking me longer than September to get back into the cycle of things this time around. And I am not being kind to myself about it. I go back and forth between trying to figure out if I should be more stringent with myself or just cut myself some slack. I honestly don’t know the answer this time around.
But I have noticed that I’m spending a lot more time being my small self. Which keeps me preoccupied, thinking about myself and my needs and feeling sorry for myself. And I know, from experience, that this is not productive. I am not at my best when I am being this person. I assume the worst of others. I compound my stress by reading into every single thing I can read into. I embrace the pity.
Which clearly is not the way out.
So I’ve been thinking about the way out today. How do I get out back to the sunshine and blue skies? Because despite the rush of it all and despite the stress, life is good. Life is amazing. My cup is overflowing. I am unwaveringly lucky. Blessed. I really am and I know it deep in my heart.
Alas while the bird’s eye view is bright, the small self gets caught up in the small moments. In the rush of life. And I’ve been feeding it the wrong stuff. Bad food, TV, negative journaling, etc.
I think it was during Soul Restoration II that we made this long list of things that make me feel good. And I’m thinking it’s time to make one of those lists again. Remembering what makes my soul feel good and feeding it some of that. Consistently. Not doing the things “I should” but doing the things “I love.” For me, this doesn’t translate to chocolate and TV (but maybe some of that, too.) It translates to going to see the water. The ocean. The waves. The tall trees. Spending time with my kids without worrying about other items on my todo list. Maybe also making a list of all my worries and burying them. Lightening up the load I’m carrying a bit. My MBSR teacher mentioned scheduling time in my day to worry so when something came up, I’d say “I’m not going to worry about you now, but I’ll schedule that for 2:30.” Maybe I can see if that works.
I’m not sure what will do the trick but I do know I need to start trying to go another direction. Time to shed the small self.
Time to start finding the way out.
It’s all about the stinkin’ thinkin’! Yes, scheduling worry time works. I also find that scheduling an hour of “not allowed to think about anything” REALLY works. I’m allowed to stress and worry 23 hours a day but one hour a day I’m not allowed to think about anything but love. Interesting how now that time slot has shifted and grown to about 3 hours a day and I’m so much happier, calmer and far, far less irritable. Try it, you might like it! Start with an hour and see how your soul wants more of that time. It’s amazing!
You’re doing great, honey – hang in there! It’s just a stinky time and you’re finding your way out. Somehow feeling in the same boat lately – we’ll get there. The kids getting older doesn’t make the school transition easier it seems, only more bumpy for us at home helping the kids at school and at home for homework time. The volume of work my 5th grader now has is amazing (switched to a charter school this year) and deadlines are coming fast and furious with the end of the 1st qrtr here in AZ. There’s no way she can get it ALL done in the time now left. We’ve learned a lot together about scheduling time for activities/schoolwork (including giving up a little sleep in the a.m and then best use of that time), school expectations (many new programs and systems), and we’re learning to let some things go right now with “good enough.” I’m HOPEFUL to teach her better coping strategies than it felt I learned as a child under tough crunch situations as this – wish me luck! 😉 And we’re learning to see the forest for the trees r.e really how critical ARE the grades in elementary school at the moment (gone is the Principal’s List of all A’s at this school! but we transitioned to add challenges – boy, did we get ’em!), assuring her we ALWAYS love her no matter the grade especially under these circumstances (it’s not like she’s not TRYING, so we’re happy with C’s in this case), and helping her see that as challenging as things are right now – it doesn’t change when you get to be an adult and you have to decide how much to take on in projects in work/home/activities – time crunches are a way of life when stuff piles up at certain times.
You’ll find that shred to hang onto – I know it. One step at a time, even if it’s baby steps. You may not be walking your usual 5 mi (or whatever) but you at least did 1 mi today – give yourself some credit. You didn’t down the WHOLE box of chocolates today – woo-hooo! lol! You pulled away from the boob-tube and back to one of your projects that you treasure. You let something go that didn’t need to be a crisis after all. You can make much to celebrate – especially the small stuff for now – they’ll get bigger and you’ll get on track.
Hugs to you!
Lezlee
I love Thich Nhat Hanh’s practice which says simply, “Breathe and Smile.” This can be done while you meditate but also at any moment when you feel overwhelmed about anything. Take a few deep breaths and smile. It is amazing!
Aloha, Kate
Popping in to say it’s okay. You know the answers, you’re so good at tackling difficult stuff but getting these things down on paper is good too so thanks for choosing to share tough times.
The concept of the small self rings so true doesn’t it. That’s what it does feel like, shrinking down into a tight little hidding space and it’s easier to push people and life away from such a tiny view of things.
I feel like that right now. So your post was good to read. Thanks.
i love yje small self term. very true for me as well.