Choosing Your Battles

This month’s assignment for the One Little Word class was about choosing a battle. I’ve been thinking about this one a lot this week. I’ve noticed that there are certain things that can hurl me into spirals of negativity. And once my mind is on a roll, it’s hard to stop patterns from repeating. I’ve come to believe that what works best is to stop myself at the very beginning.

I had a situation last week, where someone was exceptionally mean to me over the phone. It was an area where I already felt a little small about myself. I tried to stand up for myself but she just got meaner. After I got off the phone, I almost cried. I just felt small and terrible. It affected the rest of my day (probably the next few days actually.)

I know from personal experience that when other people criticize you it’s more often about them and not you. I know that when people frustrate or annoy me, it’s more about me than them. I know all the facts but I often have a hard time making my heart/soul listen to them when I am in this bad place. Instead, I beat myself up. And in lieu of ignoring or letting go, I join in. I bash myself more than they ever can. I make myself small. Tiny.

What a load of … you know what.

Here’s what I believe: People who make you feel small are NOT worth it. They are not worth your time or your effort. I noticed that I often spend more energy trying to “win” the love an attention of these mean people over those who already love me and accept me the way I am. I somehow feel like their mean words are truer than the words of those whom I trust. What a waste of time! Even as I write this down, I can see how ridiculous that is but I know that I do it again and again.

There’s a book I love called Now Discover Your Strengths which talks about how we need to change our perspective on how we look at our strengths and shortcomings. The book explains that instead of spending so much energy trying to improve the areas in which you’re lacking by a little bit, it’s much better use of your time and energy to focus on what you’re inherently better at. You can find help, hire others, delegate, outsource, etc for the areas where you need more help and you can focus on what you’re good at. Apparently this leads to a much bigger success and happiness. When you think about it, this seems pretty obvious to me. Clearly if I focus on what I am good at and like to do and find other ways to fill the holes I have, every task will be done better and I will enjoy my life more. As opposed to always feeling like I’m struggling to keep up with the areas where I’m lacking.

I feel like I can use a similar method in choosing my battles. I want to work on things that will make my life happier and better. On things that will improve my relationships with the people I care about. I want to let go of the crap that doesn’t really matter. I want to work on things that make my family time more enjoyable. Focus on my marriage. My friends. I want to remember that I come to this world not with just my shortcomings but also my gifts. The battle is to weed out the garbage voices and let the important ones come to the surface. I want to do what makes me happy. Regardless of what others think of it. I want to do what makes me shine. Thrive.

I think the best way to quiet the voices others put in my head is to remember my own voice. To give my voice and the voices of the people I love priority over all the noise. I want to pick my battles more carefully. I want to focus on what serves me. And not what brings me down.

I want to not just know but feel that when others’ criticize me, it’s about them. When people are mean, it’s about them. When people are gossipy, unkind, cruel, belittling, or whatever, it’s about them. If someone has genuine feedback, they can find a way to give it kindly. Otherwise, it’s not worth my time. I want to feel this so deeply that when these things happen, I can just let them go. Without going into any spirals. Without giving them any space in my head or heart or soul.

I had the opportunity this week to follow up on last week’s call and report the not-so-kind behavior to higher up in the woman’s chain. I thought about it a lot but in the end I decided to let it go. Maybe she had a bad day. Or maybe she’s mean all the time. (I know that if this is the case, it’s better if someone stands up and calls her out on it. But in this case I wasn’t the best person for it.) Either way, I decided I was going to let this go. I knew that thinking about the situation didn’t serve me. It made me go back to that small place. So I decided to just let it go and stop this battle before it began. This particular one wasn’t going to be my battle. I want to focus on what makes me feel stronger and not weaker. I want to focus on people who care about me and people I care about.

I want to save my battles for the deserving few.