Sitting with Discomfort

I got an email this morning that immediately made me mad.

I don’t want to get into details cause my post is not about the specific example but the gist of it is that I needed some help from this company. I paid them for a service but I have a specific hurdle in the way. I asked them if they could help me. This company is in the education and people-help business so I figured they might be helpful. And after a long period of silence, they basically said “no we won’t do it. good luck!”

And I was mad.

I felt like I’d done my part, taken a big leap and they were just being jerks. I felt like what I was asking for (and not out of want but need) was not that big a deal and they just didn’t care. I felt like I was giving them all this money and they were so full of themselves that they couldn’t be bothered to help me.

On and on I went.

I will be honest, I even thought of canceling what I’d paid for and sending a “go to you know where” sort of email to them. I just felt really really mad. I felt like they were being snobby and unhelpful and why did I want to associate with that kind of company? Why would I give my money and time to them when I had alternatives.

But since I’ve been working so hard on my awareness and mindfulness, I decided to just sit with my anger and frustration and do nothing.

After a while, the anger started to dissipate. (always does of course.) And I realized that what I actually felt was disappointment. More than that, I felt a bit of shame. This hurdle is something that I am frustrated about and feel like it’s a personal problem. So when they said they couldn’t help, I took it as “you’re super-weird to have this problem, good luck with that.” It played into my insecurity in this area. I read into her words. I took them as insults.

When, actually, all she was saying was “I talked to my manager and I was told I can’t do this.” She didn’t even tell me how she felt. Just that she wasn’t allowed to help in this way. She even said she was looking forward to meeting me in person, etc. She was perfectly nice outside of saying she was unable to do what I wanted.

And while I still might feel disappointed that they weren’t willing to go the extra-mile for me, I think a large chunk of my anger was really the shame of needing them to do it in the first place. Shame I already feel around my need. So once I was able to sit with the anger and allow the shame to come to the surface, I went back and reread the email and I could see she was being nice. She was trying to put it in the nicest way she could. Or at least that’s how I am reading it now. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt.

This is supposed to be the gift of mindfulness from what I was told. The ability to sit with something and not react. Allowing things to come to the surface. I am grateful I was able to do it today.

I know that my next steps could still prove this company is not the right fit for me, but at least I hope that the decision will come from experience and not emotional reaction.

And I hope I can learn to sit with discomfort more often. I can see it has a lot to teach me.

Ps: I don’t know if these posts are too vague. I wanted to make it generic so my point is clearer but I apologize if the abstraction is making it frustrating. If so, let me know.

Pps: I had the joy and privilege of being on the Paperclipping Roundtable today, you can listen to it here.