I’ve been battling with a decision for a few weeks. Well, in truth, I originally considered this path back in 2008, before I had Nathaniel. I was already pregnant and I was thinking about what path I might want for myself once he was here. The decision was complicated and I couldn’t see a way out. I pondered for a while, panicked for a bit, got frustrated a lot.
And then I gave up.
In 2010, it came back up again. I briefly visited it. Gave up once more. And then again in 2011. Each time I’d get all riled up, feel frustrated and lost all over again. But then eventually give up.
But I couldn’t seem to really let go.
A few months ago, it bubbled up again.
And I went right back into my cycle. Research. Desperate attempt to make it happen. Feeling small. Feeling frustrated. I just couldn’t find a way out. I couldn’t find a way to make it happen and yet I didn’t want to let it go either. I was so annoyed with myself for having sat on this for four years.
I wanted to be able to either let it go permanently or to find a way to just make it happen.
Day after day, I dug in. Day after day, I felt defeated and small. And I hit my zenith this week when I just couldn’t stop thinking about it. I asked Jake and he said he’d support me and help me. It wasn’t enough. I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t allow myself to inconvenience him just because of my incompetence.
But I still wasn’t able to let go.
I felt so mad at myself.
Today, I couldn’t even meditate because my mind was so preoccupied and I was feeling so full of all the competing emotions inside me. Finally, I told Jake I wanted to talk to him and I told him that I was really suffering through these decisions. I wasn’t sure what to do. I was feeling small. I needed his help. I needed to lean. I needed to stop this cycle. I needed to make a decision and be okay with it.
And he did what he does best: he helped me. He told me he was here for me 100% and that I could lean.
So I did.
I knew I couldn’t do this one by myself. I’ve been carrying it since 2008 and it just activates too much of my personal baggage. I think, sometimes, something that seems like a small decision to someone else might be huge for me. And vice versa. For me, it comes down to why the decision is hard. Is it expensive, time consuming, involving others, stretching my limits, etc. This one was just bringing up all the weaknesses I feel inside. It was activating my personal dark side. My fears and insecurities.
As soon as I realized that, I knew I couldn’t (and shouldn’t have to) conquer it on my own. And then I was able to let go and lean.
And I finally made a decision. Tomorrow will show if I can follow through but, for tonight, I feel better.
Grateful.
It sounds intriguing! But more than that it sounds fantastic that you’ve got yourself there… even with the ‘leaning’ I think you’ve still done the work. So congratulations! I’m cheering for you too! Many positive thoughts for your follow through tomorrow.
Well, by posting this today, it seems that you are leaning on your blog readers for a little support, maybe? You’ve got mine, if you need it. At t he very least, I am sending good thoughts your way. You deserve the best possible outcome.
I am in the same mindset as Kim: since you posted this you might want input from your blog readers, so here goes mine. I just finished an art journal page before reading your post. Basically it came down to: I have made my decision..now..no fear..find joy in it. You are blessed to have someone to lean on. Good luck!
It’s awesome that you can lean on Jake and he can help you. That’s lovely. I hope you have a sense of peace about your decision and can move forward with it!
Always good to have a loved one to lean on. Always difficult to make hard decisions. May you find peace, whatever you decide.