If you’ve had enough of my zen podcast-related thoughts, you can skip today. I’ve been listening to them still and since I am working really long days lately, I am clinging to the peace they are bringing me. (My long hours of work and the lack of brain power I have leftover is the reason I’m behind in emails and comments, I apologize.)
In one of the episodes I listened to yesterday, Tara said “pain is inevitable but suffering is optional” (I wrote it down so I think it’s accurate but if not it was something really similar.) She went on to explain that our resistance to pain is what causes the suffering. This made me think a lot.
A lot of the meditation I’ve been learning in my class has been about raising awareness and not judging and not striving. For example, being aware that pain is there but not judging myself for it and not striving to make the pain go away. Ironically, I’ve had a lot of acute pain in my jaw in the last few weeks. So I’ve been thinking about the quote a lot and trying to figure out how it applies to me.
I can see that in some cases, especially emotional ones, I can interpret it as, bad things can happen to me, around me, but I don’t have to suffer. I can be aware of them, I can accept them and possibly learn to live with them. I can also try to set a path for change or shift. And I can do all of this without suffering or resisting. I can see how this might work. I can see how it might be beneficial. I can also see how it might be very hard. Very, very hard.
But then there’s physical pain. My jaw’s been hurting so much in the last few weeks that I’ve had to take a lot of Advil. I am not sure how suffering is optional there. Am I making the pain worse by resisting it? I do notice that when I am stressed it gets worse. But I still can’t really make the connection to suffering. Maybe it means that if I resist the pain more and push against it, it gets worse?
Either way, I still felt an immediate connection with the emotional pain side of things. I tend to compound my pain by resisting it. Especially if it’s a loved one’s pain. If my kids or my husband is in pain, all I can think of is how to fix it. How to make them feel better. How to undo. How to just not have the pain be there. My instinct is to want to resist it with all my being. I don’t want them to have pain.
Same goes for my pain. I don’t think “well ok, it’s here.” All I can think is “how can I make this go away?” Every part of my body wants to resist it. I only consider other options after fighting it for a long time and losing. After a lot of suffering.
What if I didn’t fight it? What if I just accepted it and worked with it. Or even possibly around it. Instead of resisting so hard. Would that work better? Would I suffer less? I am intrigued by this idea. I feel tempted to try it. It somehow feels like it would work. I love the idea of not having to suffer along with every pain that comes my way. (And I LOVE the idea of not suffering from my jaw pain if only there was a way….)
So next time something painful comes my way, I am going to step back and not resist. I will not try to solve it or fight it. I will acknowledge it and be aware of it. And then I will try to breathe and see if I can take a different path that doesn’t end in suffering.
And maybe it works…
Have you ever tried it? Did not resisting actually reduce suffering? I’d love to know.
Karen, I’m so sorry to hear your jaw is hurting so much at the moment. I have an inner ear condition as well as TMJ and as a result I have tinnitus and dizzy spells. I learnt through doing yoga that if I consciously focus on my breath when I have a dizzy turn, and also visualise my jaw muscles relaxing when my jaw is hurting, then the pain really does lesson. I think you’re right; it doesn’t help to resist the pain. On the other hand, you need to replace that resistance with something else (ie the focus on the breath, etc). When I first tried these techniques it was quite hard because the instinct is to give in to the pain. But now I’ve been using them for so long (about 15 years, but it didn’t take that long for them to be effective than heavens!) they’ve become second nature.
Mind you, I STILL clench my jaw when I’m stressed – I wish I could brainwash myself to not do it 🙂
Good luck with your new “path”.
Grrrr! Trying not to.clench my jaw that auto-correct put in “lesson” instead of “lessen” ;). Also “thank” heaven…
Timely and great post as usual. I just finished writing about this in my morning pages. I’m going through a funk – for lack of a better term and wondered if accepting it without judgement would be better than resisting it – which is what I’ve been doing. It’s hard to learn to accept without that inner voice nagging at me to be more productive, etc. But I’m thinking that by resisting all I’m doing is compounding the issue. So I’m striving for acceptance this time.
I know you can resist bitterness because of pain and suffering-but to not suffer when the pain comes means you must be shutting off your feelings ,which will just result in a hard heart towards other people’s suffering. I believe the quote you were given is absolutely false and will only add to your suffering.
Karen… Interesting subject to read this morning. For the past several years I have been practicing *acceptance* when I feel emotional pain or unhappiness. I think that the trick is, to practice every day to be aware of how we’re feeling. I know for me, I can go through a day, totally unaware of why I’m feeling like crap. Then I go into to blame game… blaming my feelings on other’s actions. When I get back to that point of awareness (which is why meditating is so wonderful), that’s when I can *see it* and say, hmm… ‘k… I’m feeling like crap… or I’m feeling angry, or I’m feeling hurt. Guess that’s just how I’m going to feel right now until I decided I don’t wanna feel that way anymore. Somehow… miraculously, when I give in and accept how I’m feeling, it goes away! It’s almost like if I surrender to it and stop fighting it, that yucky feeling lifts and I can breathe again. Not sure if I’m explaining this too well, but I do know that most the time it works. Physical pain is something different. I tend to ignore it (or try too) and eventually it seems to go away by itself. (probably not the smartest thing to do haha)
I LOVE reading your posts, and thanks for this one cuz it’s reminded me that lately I have been doing the *oh woe is me* thing and feeling sorry for myself, almost waiting for someone to come along and make me feel better. It’s up to ME and I know what I need to do to get out of the funk. Now whether I CHOOSE to do it or not… well… that’s a different story.
So….we discussed this in a session early on. Apparently, there’s a spot in the spine called the “dorsal horn” that tells the brain that there is a pain somewhere in the body! I went to look for my notes but, of course, I can’t find them. But I do remember: If the brain then hears something like, “Ow!” or “it hurts”, the pain will intensify. You will heal quicker if you are compassionate to yourself – not resisting or fighting the pain – accepting it.
I tell my hubby who, when his back is out, walks around, “Ow! Ow! Ow!” (until you want to smack him!) He clams up. Doesn’t say boo! And presto! The pain became tolerable.
Pain is an indication that the body is in trauma, that something is wrong. Similar to a fever being an indication of an infection.
Pain is not an option…suffering is!
I believe you have the quote correct. I have heard it said at many 12 step meetings. I used to have severe jaw pain and thought I might have TMJ or be grinding my teeth. My doctor suggested going to my dentist who said no TMJ but you are probably clenching your jaw when you sleep. So he made a mouthpiece for my upper jaw which I wear at night and no more jaw pain. I do believe that the more we are compassionate to ourselves and others, the less suffering there is. Pain is going to come, it’s how we respond to it that makes it different. So you might want to do the steps you can to see why your jaw is hurting so much. No point in suffering!
Aloha, Kate