Seeking Peace

I will admit that I am still not feeling 100%.

There are moments when I feel great and motivated and deeply peaceful. But, then, a small thing can totally put me into a tailspin and next thing I know I am back in that black place. Mentally, I know that things are great. My life is quite phenomenal actually and I am truly, deeply lucky. I am working hard not to lose sight of that and not to take it for granted.

But the hard moments still seem to come.

A friend at work told me today: “You need to be less hard on yourself. You’d be more effective if you were slightly more confident. You’re clearly bright enough to do what you need to do but you seem to get stuck mostly when you’re worried.” And it’s true. I do. I am really hard on myself. And not just at work. I am hard on myself as a mom, an artist, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a woman, and all the other ways in which I might identify myself. There’s a big part of me that just doesn’t want to disappoint anyone. I want to be what everyone else wants me to be. The perfect version of me that is/does exactly what they want/need.

And, of course, that’s impossible.

Because, the thing is, I am not that perfect ideal they want. I am just me. This person is all I can be. This person is all I am.

And, sometimes, that drives me absolutely insane.

On the good days, I can see so much of what I bring to the world. All the good. All the wisdom, caring, love, and kindness. I know that there’s a lot I bring to the table. I know that there are many people whose lives I have affected in a positive way. I know that I contribute to the world.

But then there are those harder days when all I see are my shortcomings. It can start with some tiny, offhanded comment that wasn’t even intended to upset me. But it will bring out some deep-rooted idea I have and spin me into some kind of shameful place. After that, there’s no stopping that train. I dig deeper and find the laundry list of inadequacies that I keep safely tucked away to pull out on these occasions. Once I have my list out, there’s no end. I am lost into the darkness and there’s pretty much nothing anyone can say to bring me back to my senses.

Even though I know that I am only capable of being who I am, it doesn’t stop me from wanting to be what I think others want me to be. I am excellent at reading into people’s words. I am fabulous at looking for what’s wrong. At reprimanding myself. At creating criticism and negativity where there is none. Some part of me must think that if I bash myself harder than others, they can’t hurt me cause I know how to hurt myself and I do it first so they can’t get a chance to do it.

All of which, clearly, doesn’t serve me.

So I’ve decided it’s time to go back to the basics. I am going to spend some quality time journaling and getting a lot of toxic thoughts out of the way. What doesn’t serve me needs to leave. Especially when it’s stories I make up. I need to find a way to purge and I think journaling is a good start.

Then I’m going to go out and take a walk. A ten-minute walk can do wonders for the psyche. And it won’t hurt my health-goals either so it’s doubly good for me.

And, finally, I’m planning on doing some journaling and some art on the healing side. Some solid reminders to myself on what I do bring to the world. How lucky I am to have people I love so much who also love me. Make a gratitude list. Make a “things I do well” list. Decorate my corkboard (which sits in front of my table) with photos of people and things in my life that bring me joy. Change the background of my computer in the same manner. And I am going to schedule artists dates, coffee with friends, date nights and time with my kids. All of which make me peaceful and happy.

Let’s see how it works.