We’re trying to train my little boy to use the bathroom. The school he’s going to attend next year requires it and he’s just not into it. Actually that would be an understatement. He clearly doesn’t like it. And in case I’m still not sure, he says:
“NO LIKE IT!”
and he will continue to say it until I give up. Bribery is not working. Nor is yelling or pleading or everything in between.
But I am trying not to be too worried about it. I know he’ll eventually get it. He’ll grow up, he’ll do his business in the bathroom, he’ll stop wearing diapers at some point. What I don’t want him to stop doing is speaking up for himself.
As he approaches the wonderful age of three, he’s becoming more and more vocal and more and more assertive. And while I do get tired of it sometimes, I also love that he speaks his mind. And I work hard not to shut him down.
I think somewhere along the way, we lose that voice. That ability to ask for what we want. Or say what we don’t. Maybe cause we believe we don’t deserve it. Or cause we heard “no” too many times. I am not sure what it is that kills it, but I hope hope hope that it doesn’t happen for my kids.
I can already see David doing it a bit. I can see the refrain. He knows he’ll get a refusal so he doesn’t even ask. (To be fair, it’s often for things like playing video games, skipping vegetables, or having more time to stay up, but still.) I try to explain to him that I will never be mad at him for asking. He just needs to be okay with getting a “no” if it’s not ok. But if he doesn’t ask, it’s as if the answer is always no anyway.
Years ago, I took a course and one of the things they taught was to “ask for what you want and take what you get.” I love that idea. It means I am asking for what I want but I am also not attached to the outcome. All I can do is ask. I don’t control the answer. Often times we ask in order to manipulate. We only ask if we know we’ll get a yes. And so, if we do get a “no” we get extra upset. Which is not fair to the other person either.
If you want to be able to ask more, you also need to be ok with getting “no” more often. So I think it’s good to get in the habit of being able to ask for what you want and then taking what you get. And I want both my kids to grow up learning to do that again and again.
Like everything else, I think it takes practice.
And I plan to practice along with them.
I’m SO with you. My little guy is 5 and has done wonderfully in preschool but I still worry about kindergarten. I know if kids aren’t loved and supported at these tender ages, they lose something and I don’t want him to change. I want my son to be the same kid I know and love even after his exposure to other kids and adults who might or might not like him, but who I rely on for caring for him for SEVEN HOURS out of his day. That’s a big chunk and I’m reluctant to give other people that much power over him because of how it might change him. I know I have to, but I don’t wanna! And I didn’t stress over potty training. We were hit and miss for a little while, and then eventually he was totally ready. Once I was CERTAIN he was ready, we went from diapers straight to underwear and he’s never had an accident, never wet his pants or his bed – not ONCE. He was about two and a half.
Karen, I have 3 grown sons now so I have a little practice with boys and toilets! I used to let them play in our private back yard in the summer without any clothes on for short times (maybe playing in the water) and they learned how it feels when they needed to go without having to run to the bathroom and without any stress about it. I tried to make it very natural and matter-of-fact and not let my stress about it get in their way. Best to you and your little one!
My mother always taught me if you don’t ask you won’t get. How do we expect others to know what we want. We have to remember though that sometimes the answer will be “no” but you don’t know until you ask.