I was rereading Brené Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection, this weekend. (We picked it for one of my book clubs and I’d read it when it just came out, so I wanted to have it fresh on my mind.)
One of my goals for 2012 is to be more mindful. I believe that this means different things for different people. As I was reading the book, there’s a section where Brené mentions Kristin Neff, another author I read and love. And she shares Kristin’s definition of mindfulness:
Taking a balanced approach to negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. Mindfulness requires that we not “over-identify” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negativity.
When I look at this definition, the part that jumps out at me is the “over-identify” part. I don’t tend to suppress feelings. At least not for too long. But I am exceptionally good at blowing them out of proportion. I definitely tend to get caught up and swept away by negativity.
Not only that, but I often feel like what makes me “worthy” is my usefulness. So when I mess up, I lose my entire sense of worth. I get into this place where I am beating myself up worse than anyone else and I spiral. And of course, that means I lose all sense of perspective and I can no longer see the truth.
When your vision is that skewed, it’s not possible to make decisions. It’s not possible to heal. It’s not even possible to function productively. Which, of course, makes me less useful. And then you know the rest of the cycle.
I’m learning more and more that mindfulness is about paying attention. Real close attention. To what is. And being able to separate the facts from perception. From the way we like to distort things. Good or bad. It’s about staying present and being aware.
Like the description implies, paying attention means you can’t ignore it. But that you also can’t exaggerate it, make it more than what is. Both of these are a way to separate what is from what we make it out to be. Avoiding the problem certainly won’t make it go away.
But neither will overdoing it. If I let myself over-identify and get into the hole of negativity, I just end up wallowing in self-pity and not actually being mindful of what’s going on inside. I’m not mindful of the real emotions these events bring up in me. The ways in which I react to messing up or feeling responsible.
I’ve been noticing lately, for example, that when there’s a problem to solve or a deadline to meet, I have a constant sense of something hanging over my head. Like I can’t breathe easy until the task is complete. The degree might vary depending on the source of the issue (like maybe I worry more for work than a scrappy assignment) but it seems to always be there. Even for my personal daily tasks. With each checkmark in my notebook, I feel a bigger sense of relief.
Which is a bit ridiculous of course. I have a job, husband, kids, and home. And personal commitments. And scrappy commitments. Things will come up. I always have something due. And if having something come up or having something due is going to put me on edge….well I better learn to just live there.
Alas. It’s not so comfortable there.
This is another form of exaggerating. I make the issues and deadlines out to be much bigger than they are so then they weigh on my mind. So now, I am trying to be more mindful. I try to examine issues that come up and see if they really are urgent. If so, it’s ok to change the schedule around and take care of things (like I had to for work today). And if not, they go on the schedule. For later. In plenty of time to meet the deadline, but not “drop everything and do it today” and not “run around like a chicken without a head till it’s done.”
I don’t know if it will work. And I don’t know if next time I mess up, I won’t over-identify. I’m working on separating my worthiness from my usefulness. And I know it’s going to take a bunch of time to undo years of believing a certain way.
But the first step is awareness, right?
It always comes back to that. Paying attention. Taking Note.
And trying to do a bit better each time.
I could have written your post. You have described myself to a tee. I love your posts so much, especially about self-worth.
Thank you yet again for sharing your journey. It is making a huge difference in my life. I have purchased ‘I Thought It Was Just Me’ and ‘The Gifts Of Imperfection’ through Audible.com and I listen to them on a regular basis. My ex and I have been having long conversations about shame and have become a lot more aware of ourselves through this process.
When I see other people on this journey as well it strengthens my resolve. I need to find people in real life who are into personal development because it is such a huge part of my life. However I REALLY struggle with personal relationships. Through reading your articles, I am reminded that I am NOT alone in this world and that life truly is marvelous.
Thank you. I just want you to know that your willingness to be open and vulnerable IS changing the world. All the way over in New Zealand you are making a difference.
Allie.
P.S I was wondering if you’ve looked into GTD yet? I really think that it would help a lot with your situation. That said, I think everyone! should use GTD. It is changing my life significantly (even though I am 2 years or so in and still at a basic level)
What a coincident. I have that “something hanging over my head” syndrome too. I can literally feel my breath getting shorter and shallower each time I’m reminded of a deadline or problem. That’s why I don’t take on too much and stress myself out. Then, when the quarter or the year ends, I’ll feel like I haven’t achieve much. Guess I’ll just trot along with you and try to do better each time.
A friend suggested I start an accomplishment journal, so I could see what I had achieved each day instead of beating myself up for what I didn’t get done. Every afternoon I write what I’ve done, then look back over the list in amazement and gratitude. It helps me see things in perspective and is calming my need to do it all.
Sounds like you need the mantra, “I am enough.” You do so much, you must have a million things hanging over your head. Yet you get them done and I bet most of the time exceed other people’s expectations. Being in the present moment NOW is probably the best way to let go of the impending doom of not getting something done.
Aloha, Kate