In 2002, I taught fifth grade in the South Bronx. I had a very large class and struggled regularly to keep it under control. What I learned in just a few weeks was that I had three types of students in my class: the ones who were quiet even if everyone else climbed the walls, the ones who acted out even if the whole class was quiet, and the ones who went with the flow of the class. The first two groups were always tiny. Maybe three kids in each. This meant that the the amount of chaos in the room at any moment really depended on my ability to have those three “not so quiet” students not act up. Let’s just say I failed more often than I succeeded.
Over the years, I’ve realized that humans in general aren’t very different from my classroom. There are those who have a strong sense of self that just doesn’t get swayed (at least not perceptibly) by the crowd and then there’s the rest of us. The ones who mold, shift shape, accomodate, and go with the flow.
I can’t decide which is better.
Some days, I think it’s good to be the kind of person who can shift so that she fits well into the crowd. This is what makes you a good employee, community member, PTA member, or whatever. Your ability to change and act and prioritize differently in different settings. Not all situations are the same and being able to pick up on the context and adapt accordingly is a solid skill in life.
However.
Well. There’s something so powerful in consistently being who you are. In holding on to your character. Maybe I am not comparing apples to apples here, I am not sure. But I’ve been thinking lately that I would like to be able to be myself more often. I think it comes with a deep sense of self-acceptance.
My husband sent me this video shot at Burning Man the other day. I’ve always wanted to attend the event but it just didn’t work out. He sent it to me to show that I might not like it as much as I think I would. As I watched it, I knew, of course, that this wasn’t exactly the kind of environment I would be into. I am very straight-laced. Organized. Relatively serious. I mostly wear black, gray, blue. I am not what you might consider eccentric in any way.
However I always wished I were.
I watched that video and I wished I was a creative soul, eccentric, not afraid to be a colorful person. I wished I was a more visual, liberated, freer person. The people in the video seemed so free. So…themselves.
But that’s the thing, you see.
Once I stepped back to take a good look. What I realized is that it’s not as much their eccentricity that is alluring (though it is that, too) but it’s mostly their ability to be so wholly who they are. That’s what I want for myself. Just being 100% ok with who I am. Not feeling the need to change my personality to fit in. I don’t mean that in an obnoxious way. Of course, there are orders to different settings and I can behave accordingly. But outside of that, I just would like to fully embrace who I am. My personality. Good and bad. There’s something so magical, so truly wonderful in being 100% at peace with you.
Just as you are.
Karen, the longer I read your blog, the more I think you must be writing from inside my head, lol! I spent much of my life not “being 100% ok with who I am”. I changed my course about 10 years ago, but still feel so far from that destination. I’m going to keep to the journey though. Thanks for sharing your heart. 🙂
and these comments make me feel less lonely in the world. love how that works 🙂
I love your “about me” posts the most. As Heather said, I feel like you are writing from inside my head. I struggle with being me, yet feeling I should be different. It is getting better, but an almost daily struggle. I am not sure if this is more of an introvert trait or not? Does it come from always being told that we should “talk more, speak up, smile”, etc…I think after awhile that sort of being told to be different rubs into your soul. When you reach the age of being a grown up you have just had enough of the voices and want to be yourself. Take me as I am.
When i feel like that karen i just read this quote from Sally Field “It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else’s eyes.” I find people who are themselves really beautiful.
I love that quote, thank you for sharing it with me.
When you figure out how to be 100% true to yourself, can you share the secret? I’m still trying to do that. Especially now with the major changes. Just keep trying daily. Maybe one day I’ll succeed.
lol. i promise i will 🙂
I have to say that being who you are isn’t hard. It’s realizing that OTHER people are NOT always who they are that is hard. I’m just who I am, 100%, all the time. I don’t know how to mold myself to a situation – that’s not to say that I am inflexible at work or don’t “get along with” colleagues. I don’t understand the need to examine yourself in the mirror before walking out the door. I know what I look like. The only time I look in the mirror is when I’m brushing my teeth and it’s usually foggy from the shower. I don’t wear makeup. (Never have and I’m 31) Right now I have a smudge of blue paint on my left hand and something smeared on my right sleeve and I’m sitting in the computer lab at ITT Tech looking down at a notebook that has as many doodles as words on the pages. When I was preganant I didn’t read a single book about it because I didn’t want someone else’s experience to cloud my own. I like cop TV shows, mystery novels, and those pens with the four colors in them. I don’t see any flaws in the facts that I HATE classic novels and history (in general, I just don’t like it). I’m horrible with geography and I can’t French braid. I’m inpatient and prefer my own company to that of others. These are not things I need to change, they’re just me. Sometimes I wish I could fit in more seamlessly to things, be more “average” or “normal”. But not often.
Goog, being 100% yourself is not the same as “preferring your way of things to others’ 100% of the time”. Being that sure of yourself and never having any need/interest in others’ opinions is problematic. I also do not enjoy reading history as much as I enjoy other things, but I think it is a cop-out to say “I just hate it so it’s fine”. There is obviously much to learn from history and I wish I could learn to like it a bit more. I find that I have lots of room for improvement and I strive daily to make myself better. At the same time, I do think I am a 100% myself. Why would reading other pregnant women’s experiences make me inauthentic? My experience is my experience, I never worried about that being clouded by others’ experience. I love doing makeup, it’s a way of self-expression for me. Also, I like taking pride in looking put together when I walk out the door, that does not mean I am looking to conform to a standard set by others, it means I respect myself and I respect others enough to put my best foot forward.
I also realize that the most authentic people are the ones that work from their strengths, and that make their weaknesses irrelevant. So, I would say, we should focus on our best qualities instead of dwelling on our shortcomings. Only then do they shrink and pale in comparison.
i think normal is overrated. 🙂
What a great post and timely too. One of the areas I struggle with is being true to myself in a world where others want me to be more like them. This weekend a friend went to a benefit to raise funds for cancer. There was band, alcohol and dinner. She asked me to go and I said no. It really isn’t my cup of tea. We went back and forth for a bit about this, with her mentioning several times that I needed to be “more social”. I said she needed to be more crafty (which she isn’t) and we left things at that. I started thinking about the things I do to fit in, be flexible, go with the flow that aren’t really my cup of tea. I wonder too if the being able to go with the flow is part of my character. It serves me well when I am with people who are 100% committed to being themselves. I wonder too about people who are 100% themselves missing out on opportunities. In the end I try to come back to what tabulyogang said about seeing myself through my eyes instead of someone else’s. Judging others and trying to correct their “flaws” seems to be an epidemic these days. I just remind myself that my way is right for me and their way is right for them and in the end I’d rather be happy (which means sometimes I go with the flow) than right!
i think maybe the trick is to be yourself but also open minded and flexible? not sure…
Karen your talks each week enlighten me and always seem what I need at that time. I could have written this myself and am feeling this way more then usual this week. Thank you for always sharing.
love you sweet girl.