I had a really rough morning today. Last night, I ended up working much later than I’d hoped. There were some problems and I just didn’t want to wait until today to resolve them. It meant that I went to bed almost two hours later than I usually do. As it got later and later, I told myself not to stress and that I wouldn’t let this lack of sleep and mess up in routine get to me. Tomorrow would be just fine, I said.
Then tomorrow came. And all was ok. I woke up and exercised, journaled and even sketched. I woke up the kids, made lunch, breakfast and sat to read to David. I was feeling good and proud of myself for not letting stress and tiredness get to me. I’ve been calm for the last few days and it’s been so nice.
As we got ready to walk out the door, I realized that David had left his jacket at school. This might seem harmless to normal people but he’s done this so many times before and we’ve had so many talks about it that I just lost it. I went to that bad place and started seeing dark. We went to school, me ranting pretty much the whole time. Looked for the jacket, couldn’t find it, and then I left David and got in the car with Nathaniel.
At which point, I burst into tears. I couldn’t contain myself any longer. I felt terrible about the person I was being. About how much this was upsetting me. About how it really didn’t matter and couldn’t I just get over it already? I felt shame and frustration and anger and sadness all over me. I almost turned around several times to talk to David but he was well into classes now and I didn’t want to interrupt.I emailed the teacher when I got home and cried a bit more. (I did also apologize to David later when he came home.)
Then I decided I wanted to finish my sketch and try to ease my soul a bit. Then work blew up so I had to do that. While I was working feverishly, Nathaniel swallowed one of his peanuts the wrong way and coughed and coughed and finally threw up all over himself, the carpet, and me. Once he did and got over the shock of it, he was back to his happy self, so I cleaned the carpets and everywhere else.
We cleaned ourselves up, started a wash and I got back to work. About midday, I realized that for the last three days, I’ve been at this frantic pace where there are so many things going on that I cannot catch up no matter what I do. Every time I do one thing, I am thinking about this other thing I should be doing. I get stressed and end up not finishing any of my tasks. This is true of both work and personal projects. So now I have eleventeen (i like to use that when i mean many many) tasks that are halfway there and nothing done.
This is about as far away as you can get from my “happy place.” This is the opposite of savoring and being calm.
So I just decided I needed to take a big, long breath. I stepped back from the two computers and took a little walk around the room. I sat back down, closed my eyes and decided to show myself some self-compassion (I have a lot more to say about this some other time soon) and took a big breath. And then two more.
By then, Nathaniel was awake so I got him and as he played, I made two big todo lists. One for work and the other for personal. I wrote out everything I could think of. Everything on my mind. In detail. And then I got up again. I decided I needed a break. I played with Nathaniel for 30 minutes. Hugging him, holding his hand, remembering what matters most.
And now here I am. Trying to honor that breath. My plan is to go back to my lists and tackle them one at a time. If a new one arises, it gets tacked to the back of the list unless it’s super-urgent. I know I can complete all of this in the next 48 hours if I just stop freaking myself out. And whatever doesn’t get done, will do so next week. As it turns out, none of these are so urgent that it needs to put me into a frenzy.
The frenzy is not good.
So here I am, taking a breath. Forgiving myself for a hard day. Forgiving myself for not being my best. Forgiving myself for not being my kindest. Forgiving myself for not being at my most productive. Forgiving myself for being human. Making mistakes.
With this breath, I forgive and I let go of it all.
Then I get to start again. Whole.
This is an awesome story for me to read today. Not because you had a meltdown (I’m sorry, my friend!) but because *I* had one too, this morning. And when that happens I tend to let myself get swept up in a big self-hatred party. Black balloons & all. I am trying to work on, as you say, showing myself compassion. Why is that hard to do? But it is.
Thanks for setting a great example for me. And I look forward to reading your upcoming self-compassion post! (but no pressure.)
Boy – don’t we all have days like that! I admire that you found a route to get you out of it and start again!
Sigh. You can have my last Russell Stover Triple Chocolate Mousse square. Maybe it will hasten the process.
Hugs.
I had a day like that today. I wasn’t proud of myself as a person, as a mother, as anything. I think, for a moment, my son was actually scared of me because I yelled at him (no, I screamed at him). And that seriously upsets and bothers me. It made me feel better for all of 5 seconds before he was laid out on the floor screaming, crying with tears and snot running down his face, lying as still as a board. So not proud of that moment. So not proud of me. Totally proud of my son for his forgiving me transgressions.
Karen, yes, you are human. Be gentle with yourself.
{{hugs}} I feels ashamed when I’m less than okay,too. (I was going to say “perfect” but I’m trying to step away from that bondage) Forgiving oneself is so healing. I am glad you could do it.
I think we all come upon these…climaxes….when everything just collides. It’s totally okay and you are so right to take a breath, forgive and let go. Tomorrow is a new day 🙂
you’re so right thankfully we get new starts every day. thank you 🙂
I am so glad I found your blog thru the inspiration class today. Your article was very touching. I feel that way quite a bit…I don’t do frantic well at all….My sister thrives at that pace… I loved seeing your art and reading…..look forward reading more. Thanks for sharing….Your sketches are lovely….
thank you so much for being so kind and taking the time to comment 🙂
Karen, we have all been there and it shows that we are human. I’m glad you could forgive yourself and most importantly you talked it over with David. Thank you for sharing this with us, we all need to hear the REAL stuff and not just the perfect days. You are a good and gentle mom and person so go easy on yourself.
Hope today goes much better for you and the day is filled with smiles and hugs for you. Sending you big hugs girl!!
Hi Karen
Unfortunately as working mothers we are forever feeling guilty about something – be it a special event that we couldn’t get to or that we missed, or for taking out our frustrations on our little chickens. We are very hard on ourselves if things go pear shaped, and as easy as it is to give advise to our friends, it is often hard to heed our own advise and cut ourselves some slack!
Rest assured – as you can tell from all the comments – you are not alone, and don’t stress, I just had a look at the list of nominees for ‘Bad Mother of the Year’ and your name isn’t on it, so relax! 🙂
I just watched your ‘jump start’ video, and I think that was excellent advise! I don’t currently have a desk at home, and I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old, so it is tricky to leave things out, but you have inspired me to get the old desktop computer out of my ‘fold out table’ cupboard and set up some scrapbooking supplies in it, so I can just open the doors, fold down the desk and have inspiration waiting for me. (And close it up afterwards so little fingers don’t find a Sharpie pen and go to town with it in the living room). ;0)
I also enjoyed reading through your blog and seeing your lovely little family enjoying the festive season. All the best to you for the New Year – hope 2012 is filled with inspiration and creativity!
Cheers
Cathy Osborne (Australia)
thanks so much Cathy. And you’re so right. I am not alone and it feels so good to know that, I’ll admit 🙂
I so enjoyed my visit to your blog after your very informative Creative Jump. Your tips were great (not too simple at all!) and make so much sense. Thank you for sharing that with us. And isn’t forgiving ourselves one of our most challenging lessons? Good for you for extending grace to yourself. We all have “those days”. Happy New Year.
I really liked this post. I am still processing it and absorbing all that you wrote. Good for you though for steping back and allowing yourself to get back in control.
I also wanted to stop by and say I saw your video on the jump start site and I loved it. Al though I have followed your blog for about a year now, It was nice to see you on video the first time. I Like seeing and listening at the same time. So thank you and I did really think that what you said made sense. I look forward to reading more on your blog daily and maybe seeing more video from you.
karen I hardly know you…I am reading your blog, before i read your lesson on Jump!
My heart goes out to you, being a full time Mom is a hard job,nobody gives you credit for what you do all day…..go easy on yourself….ask yourself do you need to do all the things on your list??? take time savour your children they grow so fast!!I do understand that you need to do “your thing” in order to keep sane,and your work is Fab!…I love your collages..and I am off to see your tutorial.
God Bless….
And all the best for 2012
Zeffy
Athens,Gr.
Hi Karen,
I went through today’s Jumpstart and loved your 2 tips. What you’ve said is absolutely true. If we don’t ACT now we never will. To keep all your stuff where it’s easily accessible makes the whole creative process easy and enjoyable. But I still have to wait to get such a creative corner for myself (now I’ve to be content with my dining table:))
I then came to your blog and read today’s post and I feel Karen you’re one brave woman to write here about your ‘not so good day’. Eventhough we all go through this sometime or the other how many of us come out with it?
Every morning I write in my daily journal,the things I’ve to finish on that day. I prioritize and list them. By the end of the day or the next morning I go through them again and strike off the ones I finished. Let me tell you I’m one happy girl as I see the amount I was able to finish. If I wasn’t able to do something, I remind myself not to stress, to take it easy [I’m not in a race] and to try and finish it the next day or so.
Breaking my ‘to do list of each day’ into small bits has helped me a lot Karen. I hope you’ve a much better day today.
Thank you once again for the great 2 tips you offered via Jumpstart.
yey for someone who’s as organized as I am!! Keeps me sane! thanks so much for the kind words 🙂
Being a working mom is the toughest job in the world. I read Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth and he explained about our frustration, stress, guilt and not getting over things. It doesn’t solve all the problems but at least you’ll have an inkling about why they’re there.
Oh I have to read that boko. Thank you for the recommendation!
I just watched your video for Cretive Jump Start. It really got me thinking, since I am a very organized person who puts away everything. Then, I came to visit your blog and read this account of your day. It hit home sooo much! It felt like I was reading something that had happened to me. So similar in how I react, feel, stress, write to-do lists, stress, try and remember to breathe, cry, beat myself up, apologize… My friend has been encouraging me to try art journaling, and telling me how it can channel my emotions through art. I’ll give it a try. Sit down and start… Thanks for the inspiration and for making me feel less crazy 🙂
Oh man do I ever relate to this post! My theme for this year is “Keep Calm and Carry On”….I have it posted at my house, in my classroom….so much that I stress about and get uptight and crazy over that I can’t control. Give yourself a hug, you deserve it 🙂
i like that theme. i tell myself to keep calm several times a day now 🙂
There is urgent stuff and there is important stuff. Our children are important and our response to them so often affects them much more than we realize. It is important to teach them to be responsible and not forget stuff–my son, in 5th grade was always forgetting to take his homework to school…he’d call me, and I’d rush it to school, bailing him out. One day I decided no more. The next time he called me I said ‘son, it’s your responsibility to remember your homework, you will have to suffer the consequences of forgetting it…I can’t bring it to you’…he was surprised but he never again forgot his homework. Today he is a very responsible and successful man.
But other times I did not handle things so well. It cost me a lot of peace and took a toll on our family. I regret it now because I could have and should have done better…I was the grown up. My son was affected in ways I did not realize at the time. If I could have a ‘do over’ one of the things I would change was to let myself off the hook I put myself on. Some people can cope better than others with pressure. I am not one of those people. And there is nothing wrong with that.
So, be kind to yourself, let yourself off the hook for your sake and the sake of your family. Life is too short to do otherwise. When you make your list differentiate between what is urgent and what is important. Take care of the important stuff first. Everything else can wait. And don’t forget to exhale.
Thank you so much for sharing so much of yourself. This took me back to when my children were small and still at home. I had way too many of this kind of day. It is good to forgive yourself and go on. I wish I could have done that better back then. I’m glad I can today.
thank you so much for your kind words and taking the time to comment 🙂
So appreciate your transparency. I am sure we’ve all been here on some level. I am proud of your choice to give yourself a break. Starting over with forgiveness. Wish I had learned this to apply to myself years ago. Blessings, Christa
thank you so much for your kind words Christa. I hope I can continue to do it 🙂
Your writing has really been touching nerves in me all week, especially the Jump Start video. I seriously realise that I need my happy place!
Have you looked at GTD – A system by David Allen called ‘Getting Things Done’? I think it would greatly enhance your life! It allows the structure in which I think you thrive but also the flexibility in which to be authentic. I truly think it would be a great match for you. http://www.davidco.com
Thank you so much Allie!! I read the GTD book a long time ago but maybe it’s worth a revisit! Thank you for the recommendation!
Aw, hon – it hurt to read this one. I just want to hug you and give you props for all that you do. I want to commend you for a job well done – because you apologized, because you did what you could to stop the train wreck, because you found a way back.
My kids are 21, 24 and 29 now. They are doing many things I wish they would not – in part because I’ve just got more life experience. But I still fight with them about things that are out of my control, and I feel bad after; why can’t I keep my mouth shut, why can’t I just let them learn from their mistakes?
You try so hard every day to keep all of the balls in the air. I hope you will have fewer and fewer days like this, and more and more days where you are gentle on yourself. (((((HUGS)))))
because it’s hard to watch them get hurt. no matter what age. alas. 🙁 thank you for your kind words. I hope we are all gentle on ourselves.