A Fine Balance

It’s been a rough few days here. Mostly due to work where I am trying to get some things done and there’ve been some challenges. But if you read here regularly, you know I don’t talk about work here. So this post is not about work. This post is about the fine balance between positive self-encouragement and negative self-talk.

I am fantastic on the latter. Not so great on the former.

The funny thing is, I firmly believe that I regularly work on improving myself. In many areas of my life, I try to be better. And not even better by other people’s definitions but by my own. I do the things I want to do. I work on the things I want to be better at. That’s why I started trying to sketch. Or even why I started to exercise. I didn’t lose the weight for my husband or mom or anyone else but me. I decided it was time and I just did it. While there are still areas where I falter often, I am generally pretty good at trying to tackle things I feel the need to improve.

Where I struggle is when I disappoint someone else. Or even when I think I disappointed them. (Often the other party doesn’t seem to care or worry nearly as much as I do.) I can’t seem to get over the feeling of how my inadequacy caused me to let them down. I beat myself up and go into the bad place of where I nonstop think that I am not enough. I worry about it so much that I become even more unhelpful. It’s no longer constructive.

When I look at other people who have the fine balance more under control, they seem to be able to say “That sucked, I’m sorry, I’ll do better next time.” They take notes on what to do (or not to do) next time.

And then they move on.

That’s the thing. That particular moment has passed. Even if I let someone else down, I cannot take it back. I’ve come to realize that’s the part that kills me. I so want to take it back. I so want to do better. I so want to be better. But the moment has passed. There is absolutely nothing I can do to take it back. And it’s okay.

It’s okay that I cannot take it back.

Anyone who’s decent will forgive me. Because when people see me, they can tell I care. They can tell I am working on improving and they can tell I would never intentionally let anyone down. I am confident that this is obvious about me. So instead of falling apart, what I’d like to do is stay on the constructive side of this fine balance. Be able to step back, take some notes, figure out next steps and try not to get myself into a similar situation next time.

I believe I can do this.

I believe this is what I need to work on. Not trying to do it right each time. Which is unattainable. But trying to stay on the constructive side of the fine balance between improving and feeling not enough. Knowing that I am always enough just the way I am will give me the perspective that I need to improve the steps so the same situation doesn’t occur the next time.

Yes, it all starts with knowing that I am enough just the way I am.

No matter what.