A friend emailed me earlier this week and said that she stopped making art because of unkind words. This particular friend had just recently found her wings and was creating a lot of wonderful art that made her soul sing. She was taking classes, learning new things, and, most significantly, creating a lot of art. She was so happy that I could feel the joy reverberate through the emails she sent me.
And then someone she cared about said these unkind words. I will give this other person the benefit of the doubt and assume she said them thoughtlessly, without being aware of the impact it would have on my friend. She probably just said the words and forgot all about them.
But my friend didn’t.
She was so crushed that she stopped doing art. Completely.
Completely.
She put her stuff away and just cried. And then busied herself with other things. And then cried some more.
When I first heard about this I felt enraged. I have experienced this same thing so many times in my life in so many different situations that I felt like it almost happened to me. Time passed and I reflected on it a bit (which was easier since it didn’t actually happen to me.)
In my experience, when something like this happens and I am confident about the subject matter, it doesn’t get to me. I generally get annoyed at the other person or might even say something defensive or mean. But if it’s something that’s still in its infancy or something I am just getting comfortable with, I am much more likely to give credence to the other person’s words.
Which is unwise.
I’d even go so far as to say, it’s stupid. This takes me back to my thoughts on qualifications. I’ve suddenly made this person’s words and taste more valuable than my own. Why would she know more than I do? Why would her taste and opinion be better than mine? Why why why?
Because I am looking for the bad. I am still evolving and still finding my way. I am not secure. I feel the need for external validation. But more than anything else, deep down, maybe I am scared that I am not good. And when someone, anyone, confirms that I am willing to believe them. Or maybe now that I am finally feeling more secure and someone I trust says such unkind words, it feels like I was punched in the face.
But just like everything else. This is all about me. It’s about my personal faith in myself. About how I make the other person’s opinions more valuable than mine. And while there are many areas where this makes no sense, art is probably at the very top of that list.
Art is subjective by definition. In a post I wrote for Julie’s blog, I said these words:
“Give yourself the time and space to play and discover what feels authentic to you. Take it from me: you do not have to do it the way everyone else does. We are all different and we have the space to express our uniqueness; that’s what makes art so incredibly powerful.”
That’s the great thing. Your art is yours and that’s exactly what makes it beautiful. No one else in the world can create it exactly how you can. No one has the same magical combination that you do.
And even more importantly, there’s magic in being in that joyful place where something you do lights you up. Where you go to bed thinking about it and wake up with the excitement of knowing you get to do art today. It’s the kind of thing that happens incredibly rarely in life.
Why would you ever let anyone take that away from you?
So I was thinking about my friend today as I sat to make my own piece of art. I was thinking how there are so many voices around us. Voices of perfect strangers whose art we admire and yet are too intimidated by. They stop us from even starting. Voices of loved ones who utter crushing words carelessly. Voices of loved ones who don’t utter anything (silence can speak loudly sometimes.) Voices of our own lack of self-compassion or confidence.
We are inundated with voices. And yet, there’s that small, tiny one inside us. The one that rises up from our soul. The one that might be the quietest but also the most important. The one that lives in our true essence. That’s the only voice that knows how we truly feel. That’s the one we need to pay attention to and foster.
Because that’s the only voice worth listening to.
So, my friend, if you read this, please know that the voice of your soul is what matters. It’s all that matters. Please, please don’t give anyone permission to crush it.
Hi Karen,
I really love your blog entries and art/scrapbooking projects. I have a quick question for you regarding your December Daily album: Are the pages (signatures) stitched by machine? Are the signatures stitched to your fabric bookcover by hand or by machine? I’m really curious about the stitching and how you bound your book.
I really love your Dec. Daily album, and the fact that you didn’t put any page numbers. What a relief!
I want to make one like yours, but I suppose, I have to take the online class “Remains of the Day.” I also love the colors you chose for your book. I see lots of burgundy and gold. BEAUTIFUL! I’m going to dash to my local scrapbooking store this weekend to see if I can find the paper you used (My Mind’s Eye.) I also saw some cute snowmen on kraft paper. Where is that from?
Also, what kind of fabric did you use? It looks like dupioni silk. Gorgeous! Thank you, Karen! Any tips will help.
I hope your friend takes your words to heart and goes back to making art. Your advice is good.
I have taken to lookinng for reasons why the insultor is wrong. I have always been offended by people who say I have too muchtime on my hands when they see my books or cards. I now know that I just choose to spend my time differently. They sweep up every speck of dust, watch tv, or shop. I create beautful things.
Lisa, I can really related to your comment about people saying you have so much time. I think some people fail to realize, we all have the same amount of time in a day! Like you, I choose to spend my time differently… and I totally laughed at your “speck of dust” comment, because I most definitely forgo household perfections for more creative time!
I loved your post. I was criticized by an art teacher in the 7th grade and was very sensitive and so hurt that I never even doodled after that. Until I was 51 and had developed breast cancer and taken time off work for chemotherapy. I took some art therapy classes and found that I really liked it. I have now “done” art in bits and pieces, but I enjoy it when I do. I took a drawing class and am now taking a watercolor class, both with very encouraging teachers. I also make homemade stamped cards and tags and scrapbook.
I do hope your friend finds comfort in your post – your wisdom and truth!
What you describe is probably what happens to a lot of children, who are just exploring certain subjects… if not nurtured…they’ll just be scared away from ever trying again…it is really sad. Especially when, we don’t even realize it’s happening.
I suppose that is why it is sooo important for all of us to have support people around us. To help us through hard times!
Likw Sharon, i was critised for “wasting time” prettying up my schoolwork with lots of colour, headings and doodling. Something died in me that day :0( It ate away at my confidence as a person over time and by 16, I loathed myself so much that I thought starvation would make me better and more acceptable.
I ended up in hospital for months at a time until my early 20’s. After years of counselling and rehabilitation (and eventually marrying and being blessed with three children, that are now in their teens) I’m wanting to take back what was taken from me…my belief and joy of being me!
I’m so glad I stumbled across your blog Karen. Thank you for being true to yourself…and helping others (and me!) desire the same.
{{hugs}} Julia, in New Zealand
Hi Karen,
I love your blog and being inspired by your art, scrapbooking, photography and so much more.
It saddens me that your friend has heard those harsh words and now has put away a passion that she had so much joy in doing. I hope she is able to see the spark again soon and have those harsh words quiet down.
Bravo!!!!!!!!!!!!! You said it perfectly.
When my David was three, his violin teacher rapped him on the knuckles with a plastic ruler because his fingers weren’t curved enough for her! He was three! He never touched the violin again. Granted he is a successful jazz pianist today but what would have become of him and his little violin? That harsh action could have crushed his passion for music.
Our souls “speak” to us. Your friend’s tears were from her very core, her soul needed that art. I pray she unpacks her supplies.
Some people are clueless in how others will react to their words. Maybe I should use the word “heartless”.
I enjoy coming to your blog and also participating in your online BPC classes. I have never practiced art outside of fabric (quilting). I do not consider myself an artist. I don’t even doodle. I’ve been captivated by art journals and your work so venturing out and trying this art form is very intimidating. Your post today will be advise I can lock away in my mind and listen to the voice in my soul. Allowing myself to give this art form a go and only my judgment and like or dislike of it is all that matters.
Is there a chance that you could specify the stamps and stencils you use on your journal pages. There have been some that I would like to try but with out a product name I don’t know where to go to purchase them.
Thanks
So sorry your friend stopped doing art. It really does not matter what others think though we want their approval. I hope she will reflect and start her art soon because that will make her happy, not the insensitive critic.
I usually don’t read long posts and comment but I thought your post was worth reading and enjoying your blog.
This was just what I needed for today, you are so helpful and kind to others Karen. So many wonderful things you inspire others with and I wish the world could be filled with more people like you. This was well written and powerful. Hope your friend sees this and starts on her art again with a new inspired heart.
The comments here are all so kind, it’s nice to know we have these places to feel safe and share are dreams.
hugs Dawn
I just heard about this new book called Vincent Van Gogh: The Life. The authors were on the radio. It sounds so interesting. His art was ridiculed and hated because it was very different for its time. They talked a lot about how all he had was his art and he kept painting. I hope your friend will dig her art supplies back out and start creating again. Maybe you can add this to your book list and then pass it along to your friend.
Loved this post. I had a teacher once tell my I was not creative. Instead of buckling under and giving up, I decided she was wrong. That comment helped me to break out and do more and be more creative. That was years ago, but I’ve always remembered that comment. I have had years of creative play since then and try very seriously to not let other’s comments detract from what I feel I can do. Thanks for putting a voice to those feelings. I think you have helped others to listen to their own voices instead of allowing others to take the joy from their creations. Bravo!!
i love your story and how awesome is it that you had the inner strength to stand up for yourself!! Bravo to you too!!!