I had a conversation this morning that completely messed up my day. The funny thing is that I was talking to someone who works for me and was answering a question I had. He did nothing wrong at all. He was courteous and did indeed answer my question.
But after we hung up, I felt off. I felt small and not enough.
I felt like I wanted to ask him to explain the answer more deeply but felt too shy (inadequate, small, stupid) to ask. My first instinct was to be annoyed with him. But it didn’t take me long to realize it was all me.
I do this often.
There are times when my view of myself can get so skewed or small that everywhere I look, I only see people saying mean things. It can happen with anything. A coworker forgets to reply to email. A teacher doesn’t give my art feedback. Or even better, she will say nice things and then put an ellipses (…) and I will read into what the dots must mean. No one is free from my negative imagination. My husband, my kids, random person at the grocery store. It doesn’t matter who. Anyone can make me feel tiny during these times.
I have an excellent ability to gloss over the good and zoom in to the bad. It’s as if I am clinging so hard to this belief that I am not worthy that I will use any occasion to feed my belief. If anything is open to interpretation in the slightest way, I will slant it to the negative angle. Absence of information is negative and so is anything that is subjective.
Cheri in my class reminded me of this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt today: No one can make your feel inferior without your permission.
I believe this with all my heart. In the end, it comes down to inner strength and self-image. What we believe of ourselves is what we project to the world. People can only make us feel small if we let them.
And when I am in this bad place, not only do I let them but it’s like I’m forcing them. It’s like I am looking for the bad, seeking it, embracing it, encouraging it just to prove a point.
It took me almost all day to realize that it was the phone call that threw off the balance of my day. By then, I’d already found several other ways to feel bad about myself and had spent quite a bunch of time on the couch, pouting and feeling sorry for myself.
As I told Jake about the phone call and how it made me feel, he reminded me that the person on the other side was kind and truly happy to help. He had already told us we could call him as much as we needed. He wasn’t trying to make me feel small and if I had asked him to explain more, I bet he would have. Instead of giving him the benefit of the doubt, I assumed the worst of him and spent my whole day feeling bad about him and me.
Not to mention all the negative energy that I infused into anything else I did today.
I know that some people always look for the good in everything. People, situations, conversations. Life. I know that people like that annoy others. It feels fake. And maybe with some it is, but I know that with others it’s not. They genuinely have a positive outlook on life. I don’t know if this comes from a healthy dose of self-confidence or a healthy dose of optimism. But, either way, I’d like to be one of those people. I’d like to look for the good instead of the bad.
Imagine the joy this would bring into my life and to the lives of everyone around me.
Practice makes it better and better. Practice makes it easier. Practice requires time, but it’s one of the best investments you’ll ever make in you.
Sometimes knowing you’re not the only one helps more than any pill, or someone else’s affirmations of your self-worth. Keep trying. Just don’t quit.
Be well.
I could have written this post myself Karen! I can totally relate to ever word here. Some days you’ve just got to “ride with it” though. It’s like a wave. Eventually it will move you onto the sand and you will look around and think, wow…what a ride!
This is something that I have to work on every day. I try to look for the positive and I do well until I get to a certain point and then, it’s all downhill. And all it takes is one little thing to make me lose my confidence. I think it is a confidence thing, a belief in ones own self-worth. At least for me.
I also could have written this myself… I read a quote recently but can’t remember the author. “The only reason it’s part of your life is that you keep thinking about it”… I need to learn to let things go…..
Emie
Yup, been there, done that…and don’t want to wear the t-shirt 🙂 I’m a glass half full kind of gal myself, and when I realize I am thinking the way you wrote, I want to slap myself on the side of the head as a reminder to turn on the switch for “the glass is half full” thinking 🙂
Focusing on the negative sucks life right out of you. Because of my current circumstances, I was told and taught that when negative things like this crop up and I keep playing it over in my head, there is a stop button on the brain. I have yet to find it but I’m assured there is a stop button!
I can’t always stop myself from reacting to other people’s mean spirits but it helps me to remember that other people are often acting out from a place of insecurity, of not being good enough themselves. I do try as much as I can to “stay on the sunny side.” To respond to badness with kindness and compassion. Sometimes I need to apply the kindness and compassion to myself and not give other people “free rent in my head.” I need to let go of situations that I am powerless to change. Keep practicing thinking well of others, many times I have found people will rise to your trust in them.
This sounds familiar to me Karen, so wish I had the positive outlook that my husband and good friend have. It comes natural for them and it’s a daily work at it for me. I let things sit and bother me all day too and keep rehashing it then my husband will come and tell me a whole other side of it and puts it in to perspective for me.
Thank you for sharing this and reminding us we are not alone.