Each time I read one of those funny, witty blogs, I think to myself “I will never be funny or witty like that.”
I will never write stuff that makes people’s drinks come out of their noses. I will never use sarcasm cleverly and have everyone marvel at my ability to make self-deprecation funny. I will never be able to be cutesy, either. I am not clever (at least not with words.) I am not ironic.
There are many times where I’ve beaten myself up for not being like that. When I wished I could just be funnier so I could be better liked. But here’s what I learned: trying to be something you’re not is like dyeing your hair. You can fake it for a while, but your roots always grow out.
And it’s a lot of work to keep dyeing them, especially if you want them to never show.
Acting differently than what’s authentic to you is possible. I can be more outgoing, funnier, sillier, cuter, more sophisticated and more sarcastic when I want to be. If the desire is strong enough, I can fake it.
But only for a while.
It’s like walking in those new high, high heels you bought. It’s possible but deeply uncomfortable. And when you get home, the first thing you do is take them off, push them aside, and put on some super-comfy socks. (Or, in my case, go barefoot.)
One of the reasons I moved to the United States 18 years ago was to stop having to be something different than I actually am. There’s so much work, shame, and frustration involved with having to be someone else and having to hide who you are.
It’s all about not feeling enough.
While there will always be situations where I have to act slightly different than what might be fully authentic, there’s no reason I need to do this regularly.
I’ve noticed that the biggest reason I feel the need to be something different is to gain the affection and acceptance of others. Whether it be family, friends, acquaintances, or workmates. Or even blog readers and students I’ve never met. If only I were funnier more people would comment. If only I were more fun, I might have more friends. If only I were….
You get my point.
The problem is that this kind of thinking never works out for me. Even if I can be that thing for a while and gather those kinds of friends, I quickly grow to resent them for not liking me just the way I am. I get tired of acting like someone else constantly and either get really mad or start to pull back. Neither of which is a great step forward in a friendship.
Which leaves me with the only (and scariest) option of being me. I’ve often thought that I am too weird to have friends. I’ve never met anyone exactly like me. I can go on and on. But what I’ve learned is that the only relationships that last are the ones built on me being myself. Those heels I coveted often give me blisters and are thrown aside permanently within weeks. The comfy socks…I keep forever.
If nothing else, it’s just so much easier to be me. So much less work. And instead of focusing on what I am not, I can make a bigger effort to see all that I do naturally have to offer. Kindness, thoughtfulness, strength, wisdom, consistency and reflection. I am not saying these are more valuable than the other characteristics. They are just ones that come naturally to me and maybe if I spent some time focusing more on these and less on beating myself up, I might make friends who prefer me just as I am.
And that would be something.
You are so honest with your self and brave to put in print true thoughts. Most thoughts are written to look good and sound good … make the writer look better. So impressed with your honesty. Hoping this will rub off on me!!!
Great post! I love all your entries, actually. I also hope that I can one day find my true self and be that person once and for all.
I am a new follower to you and I really enjoyed this post. In fact it sounds as if you took a peek into my mind. At 50 I feel like I am only now starting to live more true to myself and it is hard to do after so many years of adapting to everyone else. I look forward to your future posts just for who you are.
This is another powerful post, Karen. Thank-you for not only sharing, but in sharing, challenging me to be more authentic. I agree: being authentic is scarey and sometimes lonely. It seems as if you have a partner who accepts you as you are unconditionally. Treasure that; we haven’t all found that.
This was a great post! I even chuckled. Having known you for so many years, I can honestly say that you ARE unique. I think that’s the thing I’ve always felt. You bring something into my life that I want or need. Spending time with you is like eating chocolate. You walk away calmer, more inspired, wanting more from life. You simply rock!
Thank you for your honesty. I have spent too much time feeling I have to do things for people and reflect how they are like, rather than be my true self. So thanks for the reminder that its time to be really me!
Karen, this was beautiful and honest just like you!!! I wish there were more people like you in this world. Coming here always makes me happy and feel good about myself. With you I can be the real ME, no matter what your there with a kind word and support ALWAYS!! The gift you share of yourself makes us feel special and unique and cared about when we visit, other blogs do not. I don’t like pretending to be someone I’m not either and it’s draining trying to be that person. So as I get older my worries are less about others think of me and more about what makes me HAPPY!!
Thank you sweet friend for always sharing and making us see ourselves better. You are special and loved just the way you are!!
hugs, Dawn
Rhianna was interviewed on the Ellen show yesterday and she was asked if she felt she needed to act a certain way because of her young fans….. she replied something to the effect that she felt it was more important to her fans to be authentic and the best self she could be rather than change to be something different. She said her message to her fans was to be the best “them” that they could be…. GREAT advice and it’s the same thing you’re saying!
Emie
You are awesome as you are 🙂
Nicely Written.
Karen, I am a new reader too and I like your insights here very much. Its easy to see how foolish it is to try to be something else IN someone else. When you list the qualities you say you don’t possess but sometimes beat yourself up about, my reaction is of course you’re not those things (from what I know of you in your blog)–but your true qualities are so much better! Why would a hibiscus want to be a rose? But then you share that you know that and I admire you for knowing yourself so well–and for being able to share yourself here so honestly. You are right. It is about trying to obtain acceptance from others…
so ok, though, I have one question. I’m puzzling over this line – what do you mean? “It’s all about not feeling enough.”
Thanks!
Denise
What I meant with that is that when we try so hard to be something we’re not, it’s really about feeling that we’re not enough as we are. so all the qualities I already have are not enough for people to like me. I need to be more. I need to also be funny/witty/cute, etc. So it’s about me feeling like I am not enough just the way I am. does that make sense?
Hi Karen,
I think all little kids start out with confidence that they are good enough, perfect just the way they are, and somewhere along the way, we lose that. All it takes is one insensitive comment, one mean kid saying something hurtful, and it starts. It’s one of the things I most wish we could spare our little ones.
It’s good that you are consciously aware of your worth and value–I think getting to that point is one of the benefits of getting older (do we prefer the term 🙂 “mature”?) Your posts are a joy to read. I’ve been more sporatic about reading on line lately, but I always look forward to catching up on you and your family.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Pat
It is posts like this that keep me reading your blog each day 🙂
Oh, Karen, I love this post! As I was reading it I thought…but, if you were sarcastic/ironic and all those other things then your blog would be somebody else’s blog. I love your writing because it reflects YOU. (Well..of course, as far as I can tell!) I hope that makes sense—to me, thinking someone is authentic is one of the highest compliments I can give because you are right: it’s HARD to throw your true self out there. I do think, though, that it is the only way to build real things.
Thank you for a lovely thought today!
Amy
This little words speak to me “If I could just be funnier so I could be better liked” because it’s very hard to me to have friends and it makes me feel I’m not an interesting person,that I’m no funny enough. But I know who I am and what I am, I know I couldn’t be another person so people have to accept me like that and I have to accept me too. Pretty hard sometimes.