If you’ve been reading here for a while, you’ll know that I am very organized and scheduled. I like my life like that. I get comfort and joy from the repetition and task completion. At home and at work, I like getting things done. Even small things like returning an email gives me joy.
And the opposite gives me great discomfort.
When I know I have something due, I cannot sit still. Ask anyone who’s ever worked with me; I’m the first person to deliver my assignments. I was the kid who came home and did her homework right away (assuming I hadn’t already finished it at school.) It’s one of the main reasons I wake up early to exercise and sketch. It gives me the time to get my things done. When I get a DT assignment, I pretty much do it right away. Even if it’s due two months from now. Sometimes, I get heads up that a request is coming down the road but I don’t know the details yet and it drives me insane to know I will have something due but I don’t know enough to sit and work on it immediately.
I don’t do well with a todo list that’s piling up. I don’t do well with deadlines looming. With people waiting for a reply.
Alas, that’s how life’s been for the last ten days or so. My parents are here and I am trying to balance time spent with them with time spent getting work and chores done. And, bless them, they do give me a lot of alone time but I find myself mentally and physically tired so I don’t accomplish much when they are not here. So now, I have emails and comments that have been unanswered for days (if you’re one of the people who’s waiting for a response, I am deeply sorry and I swear I will get to it soon.) I have layouts that are scheduled for soon. Not to mention my own personal projects that are not being tended to.
And all this is making me slowly unravel.
This morning, during my journal time, I told myself that this was a lesson in learning to sit with discomfort. There are times in one’s life where we have to be in situations that are not pleasant but we can’t do anything about it. We can’t solve it, we can’t fix it, we can’t even make it go away. We just have to learn to be present with it. And I believe it’s an important skill to have. It will help me become a more patient friend and partner and mother. Learning to just sit with it instead of controlling it (which is definitely my default behavior.) I told myself that it’s an exercise for me to see that if things wait and pile for a week or two, life doesn’t end. I can still catch up. People will forgive and understand. The most important things will all get done when they need to and life will be ok. Sometimes we have to trust that things will work out.
So, I am learning to sit with discomfort. Guilt, shame, frustration. I am facing them and practicing. Paying attention to the feelings and being present with them. To what it looks like for me. So that I can learn. So that I can recognize it when it’s here again. So that I can grow and become more patient. With myself (and others.)
It’s not pleasant.
But I’m working on it.
Hi Karen,
I love reading your blog because I can relate to the desire to control things, be organized, get things done. That is me, as well.
i do think there is some learning that occurs when we learn to just sit with things a bit. As you say, instead of controlling it. Good for you for recognizing this.
I also agree that this is not pleasant if you are wired the other way 🙂
Oh Karen, I am so with you on that! I love to have everything under control and the slightest glitch in the plan can send me spinning out of control. Your post has once again hit the proverbial nail on the head. I too am learning to sit with discomfort (or should I say, sit gracefully with discomfort) and go with the flow. Definitely not easy, or pleasant while going through it but a useful skill to develop. Hang in there, Karen! Love
Oh Karen, I am so with you on that! I love to have everything under control and the slightest glitch in the plan can send me spinning out of control. Your post has once again hit the proverbial nail on the head. I too am learning to sit with discomfort (or should I say, sit gracefully with discomfort) and go with the flow. Definitely not easy, or pleasant while going through it but a useful skill to develop. Hang in there, Karen!
I think you know what I’m going to say. Discomfort moulds us and shapes us. For what, we don’t know. Life isn’t easy and then it gets harder. We can’t control everything, no matter how hard we try. Blink. That’s how fast your life can change. Now imagine how much it hurts to blink. For four days, it actually hurts to blink. Friday is one year. I’m grateful it doesn’t hurt to blink any more. Just as I had to learn acceptance, so do we all. We simply can’t control everything in our lives. No matter how hard we try. Breathe…this too shall pass.
You are definitely not alone. Your post made me think about perfection… because part of being organized and on top of things…it’s like finishing everything perfectly…and everything running as it should – etc etc. Then when life throws a wrench in all that, I also feel like it’s chaos! Whether it’s really that severe or not, it’s a feeling.
I am also trying to learn that it’s okay…we will never have it all done – there are always more projects and personal things to do… just like trying to grasp for perfection in little things…it’s not possible for life in the big picture, right? I think it’s a big mix and it’s okay. Life goes on! But you get to choose to be happy about it, tra-la-la… or to be in a chaotic mode or grumpy!
I so enjoy your honest writing. I also want to turn in everything before it is due. I love a to do list filled with check marks. The exception to this for me is when there is a relationship is involved. It is very uncomfortable for me to put things off but I am trying to put my family, friends etc first. I’d love some advice on how you handle this.