One of the things I noticed during the Soul Restoration I class and the several other soul-work classes is that many of my deep “issues” and worries are coming from events that occurred when I was younger than 12 years old. None of these events are “devastating” but, alas, they have shaped a lot of the things I’ve come to believe about myself.
A lot of the negative things.
The logical side of me finds this ridiculous. I’m now 37 years old, there’s absolutely no good reason I should cling to the moments I had over 25 years ago. I’ve seen been through several big and small milestones in my life. I’ve grown. I’ve changed. I look, think, and feel differently now. I make different kinds of friends. I’ve had many major and minor milestones (both good and bad). So much has happened in the last 25 years that I am definitely not little girl anymore.
And yet. Inside I feel the same.
I can still remember the words that broke my heart and made me feel small. I still feel small in the exact same ways I did back then. I still lack faith in myself for the same areas in which I was criticized as a 10-year-old. Even though some of these facts about me have perceptibly changed and my mind can acknowledge that, the girl in my heart and soul doesn’t blink an eye. She’s still trapped in that twelve-year-old’s nightmare. Her lack of self esteem. Her lack of strength.
I find this incredibly frustrating. It feels like once I can acknowledge and pinpoint the issue, I should be able to get rid of it. I should be able to tell myself that those times have passed. I have new friends in my life and people who care about me deeply and people who depend on me, etc. etc. I am not that girl anymore.
And, yet. Somewhere inside of me, she still lives.
She still hurts, cowers and feels alone.
And I truly don’t know what to do about it. I want to kick her, lecture her, be kind to her, beg her. I go through all the phases at different times. I try to go through logic. And most of the time my 37-year-old self is in charge and can live a happy and fulfilled life. But, in those weak, rough moments, the little girl peeks out.
I’ve been thinking about how to help her. I’m going to have to teach that little girl about how life is right now. Show her affection and kindness and compassion so she can relearn from scratch. So she can create a new identity and self-image. One that’s not tied to memories from the early eighties. I’m not entirely sure how to do this but I do think some serious relearning is what she needs.
Maybe I start by writing down all she feels and tackle them one by one. Maybe if I am super patient with her, she will give me a chance.
Many times I have read an entry on your blog and thought we share struggles that are very similar. Today I felt safe enough to make a comment. Traumatic experiences from our past can leave us frozen in time and with the inability to move away from these experiences. They seem to haunt us and many times we view our current life experiences through these frozen unresolved traumas. Much like yourself, today I am on a journey of healing. I love that you use art to transform and express your emotions and I am amazed at how vulnerable you are. You are very gifted and I am thankful for your blog that encourages me to be more open to those around me and to share my thoughts. Thank you!
I am so glad you post this, and want to thank you for it. I too have those moments from that very insecure little girl I used to be and lately she’s been poking at me more than usual. I too try tell her it is not as bad as it seems and maybe it was not as bad then as it looked in the moment. More importantly I try not to project her and her insecurities and issues into my children.
This may not be applicable to you at all, but wanted to share my experience, or one possible idea. Be open to what that little girl might have to teach you.
I spent years trying to quiet that voice in me, the scared one, shut her out by being busy, or overeating or anything to make her go away.
And only now do I feel like she wasn’t this annoying, needy, immature part of me that I perceived, but rather a part of me that I ignored, that had a lot to say, and the part of me that in many ways looks out for me the most.
Karen, I have actually another suggestion. I would go see someone who can possibly help you reframe your before 12 years’ old experiences, so you can get unstuck.
You are looking for a personal trainer to get unstuck on the weight loss.
I think you deserve the best external help there is to get unstuck from the early 80s.
What do you think?
Best,
Zewa
((HUG)) Karen. Why is it that our childhood “issues” take so much work for us to deal with? Once you figure out how to deal with it all please let me know. I just purchased a book called Forgiveness – something about your past and moving on…Hopefully I can get some insight to the issues I have from the past and move on as well. 🙂 Just wondering if you received my email about your new BPC class?? I sent it a few days ago. Just wanted to make sure…signing up today! Thanks karen and have a WONDERFUL weekend!!
Definitely think there are many of us who know that feeling… things that replay in our mind and still get us all hot and embarrassed… it sucks. I do think that facing your fears and worries – out in the open sometimes – helps you to get over them in a sense. I’m sure you have examples of when something was horrifying… but over time it became silly or just a life lesson?
I knew there was a reason we are destined to be soul sisters. I also am trapped by things from a very young ages. Sadly, I am unable to pinpoint when. Suffice it to say that ther was a LOT of abuse. BUT – this is NOT how my story will end. (((((HUGS)))))
Hi Karen,
I have a similar little girl haunting me as well. It’s what I fear for our own young people. There’s just no way to protect them from unkind words that may be distorted and stay with them forever. I think it’s worse for girls/women. In my family we call it “the good girl syndrome”. We all want to be perceived that way, and to be told otherwise is just devastating. I so wish there was a way to have our little ones not experience this, but they can’t live in a bubble, can they?
Oops! Husband is here to take me home. Have a good week!