Getting Ahead of the Problem

Since school started I’ve been waking up at 5:30am and taking a little time to myself before the kids get up. After I exercise, I sit down and journal a page in my notebook. It is my equivalent of morning pages. Some days it’s just thinking about the upcoming day and all the things I have to get done and other days it’s about looking back and trying to figure out something from the day before or my past.

Yesterday morning, I spent some time thinking about a meeting I had a while back. I had walked away from this meeting frustrated and upset. I’ve noticed that I can definitely tell if I am feeling my centered self or off kilter during a particular meeting. And I definitely felt off during this one. Unfortunately for me, I knew it was going to be a recurring meeting so I felt even more frustrated that I couldn’t tell what was making me feel this way.

As I started journaling, it occurred to me that what made me feel uneasy and put me on the defense was two individuals at the meeting. These two people and the way I perceived them changed the tone of the meeting for me. Not only did I look up to them as the authoritative owners of the meeting, but I also felt like they didn’t like me or respect me.

And so, for me, these meetings became about proving these two people wrong. So the content of the meeting didn’t even matter. All I focused on during the meeting was reactions from these two individuals. I was spending the whole time trying to behave a certain way so I could garner their respect. Every now and then I would end up showing my true colors in the way I responded to a specific argument and then I would instantly regret it because I worried they would disapprove.

The situation became untenable and I just couldn’t get out of the cycle I’d created for myself. The funny thing is, I don’t think these two individuals were even remotely aware of the impact they were having on me. So, yesterday, as soon as I figured out the root cause was these two individuals, an idea came to me during the journaling. I decided to get ahead of the problem in my own way.

I emailed both of them individually and asked if they’d like to have lunch sometime. I tried to be low-key about it and I sent it immediately without thinking about it too much. I knew I could easily talk myself out of doing it.

The second I sent the email, I immediately felt better. I felt that if I could get to know these individuals as people and not workmates, I would be able to see them in a different light. And I felt that this would help me remove the unnecessary importance I assign to them during the meeting. I think that one of the best ways to get someone off a pedestal is to get to know them. Even if the person declined the lunch, I knew that I’d already taken the first step to “humanizing them” by sending my email.

I got a response almost immediately. And, of course, neither declined. (I’ve learned that very few people feel comfortable turning down a direct request but that’s another post for another time.)

So now I feel even better. I am hoping that the lunches will go well and we might even possibly end up as friends. But even if we don’t I am pretty confident these colleagues will not play the same role for me in our next meeting. They will no longer intimidate me. Especially since most of the situation was completely in my head (and not reality.)

This is one of the greatest side effects of taking the time to journal. I feel like pouring my thoughts on paper gives me the space to distance myself from them enough to realize what the core issues are. And then I can find ways to resolve them, work with them, or get ahead of them.

Not bad for a 15-minute time commitment. The journaling often ends up being the most valuable fifteen minutes in my day.